by Alex King

Recently, I was laying awake at night, unable to sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking of all the ludicrously easy ways I could die at any given moment, as I do every night. I came to realize a full 100% of Americans will face death at least once during their lifetime, through shootings, stranglings, drawn and quarterings, and, the Japanese even have a word for it, morikorosu, killed by prescription error… ing(!). Although you will probably die at some point (btw, that sniffle you have is actually… death) there are some precautions you can take to permanently postpone your inevitable mortal coil off-shufflage:

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Diet and Exercise
    While capable of staving off death temporarily for a year extra years, the final result is grim and you will have wasted valuable years of not eating at Booie’s.
  Chance of Immortality: Poor

Religion, Banking on Eternal Life
    While sort of a cop-out, as you need to die first, religion is a good way to go for immortality. The problem is, by betting on the wrong religion, you face eternal damnation, arguably worse (theologians speculate) than death. Also, don’t think you can get off with that reincarnation claptrap: the chances are better you’ll just come back as an Angolan wage slave. It’s a real dice toss, I mean the choices are endless. Baptist or Anabaptist? Pentecostal or Jews for Jesus? Aztec Sun Worship or ancient Chinese ancestor veneration? Scientology or Opus Dei? Yeah, good luck.
  Chance of Immortality: Good, but extremely risky

Portrait of Dorian Grey, only of You
    Mystical paintings do not give you immortality. It was just a work of fiction.
  Chance of Immortality: Fake

Alchemy
    While searching for the elixir vitae seems promising, the time investment is tedious, and you’ll have to embarrassingly refer to it as “The Sorcerer’s Stone.” Ouch.
  Chance of Immortality: Fruitless

Being Dipped in River Styx at Birth
    This is a great way to go, but if you have already been born then you may have missed the boat. To even better avoid death, make sure the dipper holds you somewhere other than your ankles, as otherwise you will inevitably be shot there. I mean jesus, make sure you get immersed all over, it isn’t that hard.
  Chance of Immortality: Very Good

Faustian Bargain
    Selling your soul in exchange for eternal life may seem like an attractive offer, but like the meal plan, blows. Plus, you always end up in hell afterwards anyway. Didn’t you see Bedazzled? Good, me neither.
  Chance of Immortality: Screws You

Becoming a Vampire
    Stop reading Anne Rice novels. The Cure sucks nowadays anyway.
  Chance of Immortality: Get out of your mother’s basement. And wipe off that ridiculous makeup.

Cryogenics
    There are those who believe in cryogenically freezing themselves, for the hope of being unthawed in the future when nanobots or alien technology or whatever can end aging. The same irrefutable logic was used in the highly respected and critically acclaimed Demolition Man, where the main character, John Spartn, played by a charmingly erudite Sylster Stallone, foiled the violence of one Simon Phoenix, played by Wesley Snipes. I see no incredibly obvious flaws.
  Chance at Immortality: Ted Williams ain’t coming back.

    There you have it folks. Try out a few techniques for yourself, see what works. You’ll never know if you’ve become immortal! Until you die I guess.