From the [deep] Archives

People are beginning to choose their classes for next semester, but have you wondered “I wonder what classes schmucks from ten years ago joked about?” Well you’re in luck, because the following is from Spring 1996, and concerns important changes that should be made to the course selection.

Some Truly Useful Courses

Courses offered at the university level are varied and encompassing. But are they relevant to life after college? I think not. So, here is a list of new courses the University should add to better prepare students for the real world.

The College:
How to Win the Lottery: Freshman seminar specifically designed for philosophy and folklore majors. This course is a general requirement, since this will be their primary job skill after graduation. We will discuss the pros and cons of rabbits’ feet, horseshoes, finger crossing, penny in the shoe, etc. Learn how to live on scratch tickets while preparing yourself for the big Powerball drawing. To acclimate students to their future lifestyle, grades will be drawn out of a hat at the end of the term. This class is subject to cancellation without notice, because I got a good feeling about tonight’s numbers.

The Art of Pride Swallowing: An experimental venture, this course is actually a boot camp run by Marine drill sergeants. Students’ egos will be torn down and then remolded, giving them a shamelessness necessary to accept a part time job at IHOP while sporting a master’s degree. After this intensive training, graduates won’t be fazed by the fact they sank $100,000+ for a job that a circus chimp could do. You’ll take this class, and you’ll like it.

Sycophancy: An introductory course exploring the nuances of the brown-nose, with emphasis placed on kissing up in the work-place. No midterms or papers, all grades will be determined at the end of the year, where students must apply the skills gained from the course.

Advanced Sycophancy: Geared towards particularly adept undergrads, this class will focus on developing the delicate ability to convincingly kiss butt at the middle management level. Students will learn how to ingratiate themselves into the power structure with phases like “Please, how could I even call this work? “Overtime is nothing, this is on me,” and “Doggy style? My favorite!”

Eye Contact: Establishing eye contact is a skill often taken for granted by most people. However, for students who are more familiar with the Moore School’s decorative floor design than human facial features, it is an acquired ability. Traditional and experimental methods will be used to force social interaction. We will learn how to maintain a steady gaze without that bothersome “possessed, deranged sociopath” look. This course will expand your horizons, as you discover things like eye color and facial expressions. If the class is particularly advanced, we will move on to ogling and undressing girls with your eyes.

Getting Some: If you don’t know what this phrase means, this course is a must for you. Since this is an introductory class, we will explore all possible venues of achieving this goal, legal or illegal. No method or procedure will be spared, the whole purpose of this class is to get you laid. At the beginning of the semester, I will give a diagnostic test, placing you in 1 of 3 levels based on sex appeal. Level one will learn techniques like the art of the pickup line, “scoping”, and faking sincerity. Students in the second level will be exposed to the successful but radical new concept of “lowered expectations” in choosing mates. Third level pupils will be given a comprehensive list of the most reputable prostitutes and hookers on the East Coast, as well as an up-to-the-minute price guide. No one will fail this course, any student in danger of doing so will be invited to my place after class. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

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