by Shai Nir
This just in: We are looking for brave able-bodied men and women willing to defend Penn in particular and the world in general from the most pressing threat to our peace of mind since The Da Vinci Code: hordes of arachnoid monstrosities about to invade our university en masse. Who among you will stand and accept this task? Who will be able to say that they fought tooth and nail1 to save us all?
For these are no ordinary spiders: They are cruel unnatural beasts, as large as six men and as strong as six bears who are each strong as twelve men.2 It is very important, when confronting these arachnoids, not to look them directly in the eyes. If you must look them directly in the eyes, look at all eight eyes at once. It psychs them out for half a second, and on the battlefield, that is a long time.3 Most importantly, do not allow yourself to be trapped in one of their webs. The webs may be coated in any of several toxins that the spiders naturally produce: there is one that relaxes every muscle in your body and makes you shit yourself, one that gives you a cocaine addiction without the good part, and one that lulls you to sleep and makes you dream of Celine Dion in concert.
Do not despair, however: our weapons are formidable as well. As the carapace of these arachnoids is thick enough to resist ordinary bullets, our team of engineering students have been up all night working on novel weapons to combat the menace4, including powerful explosive pumpkins and back-mounted Raidthrowers. Should worst come to worst, we have our ultimate weapon: a robot composed of the football helmet car, the Toast Zamboni, the horizontal Tampon, Amy Gutmann’s left arm, and High Rise South.
Therefore ask yourself: Are you brave? Are you able-bodied? Do I need to draw you a flowchart?5
1 Disclaimer: monster spiders do not have teeth or nails.
2 And fast as kung-fu fighters who are fast as lightning.
3 Unfortunately, not in the bedroom.
4 But really just goofing off and playing Mario Kart.