Dear Newest Sansom Place Occupant,
We are so sorry you did not get into one of the high rises Welcome to your new home! Sansom offers a wide array of cancer- fun-inducing services and activities to make your year a great one! Before moving in, here are some tips to make sure your stay at Sansom is enjoyable, healthy, or as healthy as possible:
1. Be on the Look Out for Asbestos
This might seem obvious, but we need to say it. We may not know much about asbestos, but if you can’t smell it, you probably don’t have it.1
2. Buy a Water Filter
Sansom residents that choose to consume water are strongly encouraged to invest in a water filter. Past residents have noted that tap water at times can be discolored and have an odd, radiated-like taste to it. The health inspectors that we paid off however have found the tap water to be acceptable to drink.
3. Do Not Bring a Microwave
We don’t really understand science. But the scientist we did hire explained that if certain waves hit certain particles in your apartment the city could be destroyed. A pressure cooker would probably be a safer bet.
4. Do Not Lick Any Exposed Pipes
I mean, what exposed pipes? No one said anything about exposed pipes.
5. Do Not Move Any Furniture
Each lamp or piece of furniture has been specifically placed to hide holes/cockroach nests/electrical sockets that shoot out sparks semi-regularly provide a fashionable ambience. Moving anything could pose a serious risk to your life fashion.
6. Do Not Bring Any Guests
Unless of course, they have signed document 47-C. And they have verbally agreed not to sue Sansom place for any medical-related injuries from breathing the air. 2
7. Meet People on Your Floor
Living at Sansom Place can be a not-that-lonely experience?3
8. Get Ready for a Great Year!
Of course, we are legally obligated to recommend that before you move in you hire a team of chemists, nuclear physicists, and EPA officials to investigate your room. But we won’t tell if you don’t.4
Shit, I hope we remembered to clear the corpses out of the rooms We can’t wait to see you in the fall!
Sincerely,
Sansom Places Community Support Staff
1This is not even remotely true. In fact, we’ve found if you can’t smell it, you probably do have it. And if you smell it you probably have more.
2Though if your guest already has some form of cancer it’s probably fine. Can’t make it worse can you?5
3Our lawyers have explained to us that if we put a question mark at the end of a statement people can’t challenge its validity. If you do feel lonely or bored though, just beat up some grad students. They don’t fight back.
4By receiving this email, you agree not to sue Penn for any cancer-related anything that stems from living at Sansom.
5 Upon further reflection we’re imagining that you can.