We’ve always believed that this quintessentially American holiday could use a li’l short-form Japanese poetry. Also, when your uncle gets drunk and starts complaining about black people, these haikus will give you a nice distraction. Happy Thanksgiving!

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Today we give thanks
For peace in the Middle East
And peas in the soup

Oh God, Grandpa’s dead
I think Grandma poisoned him
Wait, he’s just sleeping

Keeping it simple
Just food, fam, friends, and fucking
Mostly the fucking

Meatloaf in a duck
In a quail in a chicken
In a…heart attack.

An annoying guest
His father is World B. Free
Welcome, Gluten Free

Give thanks to haikus
For without this decayed form
We’d have no column

Oh, sweet Thanksgiving
What could make this day better?
Virgin sacrifice.

G-Strings, Money, Tits
Thanksgiving at Atlantis
Grandpa will thank you.

My Uncle has much
to say about politics.
Too bad it’s all shit.

Sometimes I like to
Sneak into trees and watch you…
Happy Thanksgiving.

Oregon dinner
Ask “What are you thankful for?”
Everyone says weed.

Thanksgiving gives us
A time to communicate
…Everyone’s texting.

Hard to be racist.
On such a day like today.
Too much food in mouth.

Bitch about people’s
Facebook statuses all day.
Then post five yourself.

2 Chainz Thanksgiving
Mad twerky basting bitches
Drake at kid’s table.

Cousin Frank
Bitching about Obama
Couldn’t vote; Ex-Con.

Prison Thanksgiving
Bring Dad a Turkey. There’s a
Shiv cooked right inside.

Dinner at Denny’s
Nothing says family like a
Processed Turkey Slam.

On Thanksgiving I
Go up to my British friends
Grin and say “U Mad??”

Thanksgiving dinner
Eat much, drink and be merry!
…But not all at once.

Thoughts on turducken
It is just like Inception
But there’s meat, not dreams

I want to see Bond
Judi Dench is pretty hot
Talk dirty to me

That turkey is huge
I can’t wait to devour it
Should cook it first, though

Daniel Gelfarb no
It’s more like Man-iel Gelfarb
He’s the manliest

Hey sexy lady
Our eyes met ‘cross the table
Are you my cousin?

Not sure what to say
Except sorry for putting some
Weed in the turkey

It must be awkward,
Up in heaven when God comes,
And thanks nobody.

Bring your own dish please,
The passive aggressive way,
To share a burden.

Here is a fun prank,
Put cardboard in the stuffing,
And watch the results.

Gobble Gobble Gob
I have a young family
Please do not eat me.

I am thankful for:
Health, food, family, and friends.
Kidding, I’m alone.

Home for holiday
Booty call from ex? Sorry,
I like my food more.

I am on campus;
No brown people at dinner.
Are food trucks open?

Taking it easy
Like ‘erry Penn student should.
Hahaha, that’s funny.

Alright, here’s the plan:
Sit on my ass this weekend
Celebrate ‘Murca

Vegetarians
Haha no turkey for you
Go eat some veggies

Damn anorexics
Why won’t you eat my turkey?
It’s not Yom Kippur

I have eaten things
I have also drunk some things
Tasty food is nice.

I give thanks for the
Short holiday haikus that
Are written poorly

What I give thanks for:
Strudel, Kanye, trumpets, whales.
There is no pattern.

It must be awful
To not have a day of thanks
Sucks to be you Malaysia

Happy Turkey Day
A great day for tradition
But after 4 years of this I’m putting as many syllables in the last line as I want