Bullying is back, baybee! Have an enemy you want to emotionally destroy? A friend that would benefit from being knocked down a few pegs? We’ve got the tips and tricks to getting laughs while spitting fire at your next roast. Always remember: it’s not psychological warfare if it’s for comedy.

Think about your first impression of them. 

Did you roll your eyes at their existence? Or did you first think they were cool, only to find out they’re odd once they started talking? Maybe you’ve met them 5 times but can’t remember anything about them. Write that shit down and use it as your baseline.

List any dirt you have on them. 

What did they do that’s embarrassing? Who did they do that’s embarrassing? Do they have any weird patterns or hobbies? Think long and hard. That’s what she, he, or they said.

Stalk their social media. 

Look back deep. The years 2011-2016 were particularly embarrassing for everyone. If they don’t have any social media…You’re fucked. Kidding (kind of)! When in doubt, don’t be afraid to check their LinkedIn.

Chat with them. 

Keep your enemies closer, right? Start off the convo casually but with a little bit of heat. If you don’t know them (an assassin assignment), start with some of the common questions: what they do for work, for fun, what their family situation is, etc. If that goes well, grab your shovel and start digging for some dirt. Notice if they’re talking way too much about themselves (insecure) or staying more quiet and short (they’re onto you)? Get a good rapport going and don’t forget anything they tell you.

Chat with other people about them. 

Gossiping is specifically allowed when roasting is on the table. Own it and poke for info; you’d be shocked at how many people don’t give a fuck about spilling other people’s pasts.

Think about what would hurt them the most. 

What seems to ignite their passion, and how would they do without that? Are they hoping to ‘make it’ in their chosen field? Are they co-dependent with their significant other? Do they seem to obsess over money as if its the answer to anything and everything? Or maybe they care a little too much what other people think of them. Even in our sad, predictable, deeply malfunctioning society, everyone cares about something. Be open and nosy about what that could be. 

Use wordplay. 

People love that shit. Metaphors, rhyming, oxymorons, homonyms, onomatopoeia (you still with me?). Try it all, let’s get semantic! Get the audience snapping their fingers like they’re at a poetry slam! But don’t be too smart for your viewers, or things will go downhill real quick. On a scale of one to Einstein, shoot for, like, a 5/10 (Ben Stiller).

Scrap any jokes without a heavy punch. 

The whole point of roasting is that the final words of each joke make your opponent feel like their self-esteem teeth just got knocked out. You’ve gotta twist your insult, turn it, flip it, or bop it so that everyone watching is either screaming “NOOO!” or “WHAAAT?! or laughing so loud you can’t even finish the joke.

If you’re battling, intimidate your opponent. 

Stare them down, stand confidently around them, or even give ’em the ole two-fingers-back-and-forth-in-front-of-your-eyes thing. They might get freaked out, but believe me, it’s probably the most thrill they’ve had in a while. They might back out if they’re a pussy, but if not, it’ll just add more heat to the roast.

Memorize your shit. (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT SAY ‘UM’ OR ‘UH’!)

Look. I know it’s hard to find time in the day on top of your Netflix and Instagram binging and doing the bare minimum of your responsibilities, but if you want to increase your chances of burning up your roastee, memorize your shit and practice it. Roast is about drive. Roast is about power. Roasters stay hungry. We devour. Plus, it’s a scientific fact that a puppy dies every time someone says, ‘um’ or, ‘uh’.

Now get out there and find a friend or enemy to roast! Whether at a party, in your dorm lounge, or on stage, roasting can and WILL help us all cope with the bleakness of life and the voids within ourselves. Channeling your rage through insult-based comedy is an extremely healthy coping mechanism. We guarantee it.