Bald Eagle

by Andrew Piskai

United Citizens,

Four score and seven years ago, Columbus founded this country on Plymouth Rock with nothing more than 27 shillings, a Bible, and a deep-seeded hatred for injuns. He founded America with one goal in mind: selling his beer. Much since that fateful day has changed, but this beer has always remained true to the patriot dream—Bald Eagle.

Bald Eagle uses hops that are handpicked from only the amber-est waves of grain to give you the crisp, clean, refreshing taste that’s as cold as the Rockies. When it comes to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, this carbonated glory is so American, it’s practically unconstitutional. Bald Eagle doesn’t give two shits about the ozone layer. It says “Fuck it, I’m an American.”

Bald Eagle is the winning touchdown, the first man on the moon, and the hot apple pie Grandma makes. It works hard all day, but when the whistle blows at the end of the day, it rushes home, ruffles it’s son’s hair and has a catch with the old pigskin. Then it goes on upstairs, nails its beer-wife, and still gets enough beer-sleep to work the grill at the 4th of July beer-becue. Bald Eagle is liquid independence. It’s freedom in a bottle. It’s old glory brewed in a heartland storm-cellar. It’s 16 ounces of the right to bear arms.

Look guys, Lady Liberty didn’t bayonet the communist insurgents so Uncle Sam could sit on the front porch and whittle his fat ass to obesity, no sirree! She did it so that one day little black boys and black girls would be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and drink Bald Eagle. If Betsy Ross were an alcoholic, this beer would feed her addiction. Bald Eagle remains to this day the only beer endorsed by Sam Adams, Jack Daniels and Dr. Pepper….and it goes down easier than a five-dollar whore. Still have your doubts? Consider the dawn of time; God created the world in six days, and on the seventh day he rested and drained a case of Bald Eagle. Then on the night before he died, he took the cup, gave it to his disciples and said “This, my friends, is beer.” If Bald Eagle’s good enough for God, Bald Eagle is good enough for America. Bald Eagle.


A. T. Piskai

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