by Shai Nir
Philadelphiaburg’s
Dark Revenger roams the night…
Poetic Justice!
Justice stalks the foggy streets
Seeking evil to defeat
When suddenly his night is worsened
By a strange new super-person.
Badger: I’m the Badger. Badger’s me.
Would you like green broccoli?
Justice: What the hell? Where’s you come from?
Badger: You should have some, says your mom.
It’s great for body and for mind.
Justice: Well, I don’t like it; I decline.
So take away that awful plate.
Badger: In fact, my friend, it’s really great.1
But I see you’re reluctant so
I’ll just try harder.
Justice: …Oh, hell no.
Badger: Do you want some in a bowl?
Split it with a prairie vole?
Sautéed, powdered, batter-fried?
Justice: I’m busy wiping crime tonight
So leave me be you weasly freak.
Badger: Try it in on a mountain peak?
Would you eat in a car?
Would you drink is in a bar?
Justice: I’ve made it clear I’d rather not
So kindly go away and rot.
Badger: Have it dipped in chocolate sauce?
Eat it hanging on a cross?
Try it sitting in the rain
With Waldo Emerson’s remains?
Justice: I do not want it in the mist
Nor with a transcendentalist
Now can’t you see I’m getting pissed
So go away or meet my fist.
Badger: Would you try it out in space?
Justice socks him in the face.
Badger: Just have a taste, that’s all I pray.
You’ll see it’s really quite okay,
I promise, if you only try…
Justice lifts the Badger high.
Justice: Would you like it in the mouth? *POW*
Maybe somewhere further south? *BOFF*2
Badger: It seems you’re *BAM* very much *OW* decided
Perhaps my efforts *SMACK* were misguided *DOINK*
I think I’m *CLANG* getting *OUGH* what you say
So *SLAM* let me *WHOP* leave. I’ll *SNAP* go away!
Justice puts the Badger down.
Justice: Don’t let me see you in this town.
The Badger thanks his lucky stars
And runs off somewhere very far.
In grimmest night and blackest dark,
Poetic Justice finds his mark.
To all who lead a life of crime:
Your end is near. Let Justice rhyme!
1 Remember, kids, Poetic Justice is a misanthropic psychopath. Real heroes eat all their veggies!
2 By the way, feel free to use this couplet as a pick-up line.