Ask Michelle

by Michelle Zimmerman

Q:             What’s an appropriate gift, if anything, to give someone I’m sort of seeing, but feel obligated to get something for?

A:            Is this reader a man or a woman? I can’t even tell… Anyways, I guess for a guy you could like bake him something (a way to a man’s heart is… well you know the deal). And if you’re more than just “seeing” him, take a trip down to my friend Vicky. She’s got the secret to making him a happy man!!! Hahaha, I seriously crack myself up! But no really, a steamy session would like totally be a good substitution for a material gift. I mean unless you know what video games or movies he’s obsessed with, you’re bound to get him something useless or just plain girly!
           For you boys out there, the best gift to give an almost girlfriend is totally jewelry… J/K!!! That would scare the shizzle outa me. Once again, food is a good choice. A romantic meal at her favorite place, or someplace new and exciting, is like so perfect. You could also make her a mixed tape, like in middle school. Teehee! That could be seen as like super cheesy, or really cute. Either way she’ll get a kick out of it or even if it’s weirdly romantic, she’ll probably never listen to it cuz who has cassette players anymore?

Q:             I’m sleeping with a girl who’s been telling her friends we’re dating but we’ve both said we’re non-exclusive. How do I broach the subject without losing a fuck-buddy?

A:            Do you wanna get with this chick’s friends? Is that the deal? Because if not, then just shut your little mouth and enjoy your “fuck-buddy” status! I mean she’s obviously a little crazy (as in you may wake up to find her watching you sleep), but she’s giving it up! So why risk it with a totally unnecessary awk situation? Like, does she expect ya’ll to go on dates? Or does she wanna talk about your future… you know, with the 5 kids, a golden retriever and a white picket gated community? When that starts happening, I suggest you run to the hills.            And maybe she’s uber good in bed, but you obviously don’t see her as datable. One day you’ll find a girl who’s like a super hotty, wants to do it like bunnies and who you want to share your hopes and dreams with. Triple whammy!!! That’s the girl who you should waste time worrying about! Ride out the sexual relationship with the current girl, slowly weaning her off your lovin’, until you’re ready to move on to the next girl. And if a “fuck-buddy” is too complicated… try hitting up Smokes on a busy night. I know I’ve gone there, gotten a little too shwastey, hit it off with a cute boy, and wound up… Hey now, this isn’t about me! Teehee! And don’t come prowling after me! It’s college lover, if you can’t sleep around now, then when can you?

Q:            How can I nicely excuse myself from an awkward first date?

A:            Well we’ve all seen the get-your-friend-to-fake-call-you -30-minutes-into-the-date -so-you-can-peace-out-if-necessary move. That’s pretty clutch… if you’ll never see the guy again! If you’re actually hot, of course the guy will be bugging you for a second date. So if you’re that desperate to cut short a free meal and a good wine buzz, then there’s like no time to like be polite! If you wanna avoid ever seeing this sorry dude again, you can go the simple route a.k.a. “This has been fun, but you’re just not my type.” Or for denser boys try, “I like you a lot, but before we get intimate, you should know I have herpes.” That’ll freak him out like whoa! And don’t use Chlamydia, or some disease he either won’t be affected by or will think is a sex toy. Make sure he never wants to imagine himself in your hot pants again! And you’re free… how good am I?!

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