by Alexander Jacobson
A little over two weeks ago, Jotham published a column specifying four ways of winning any argument. Well, I have always been one to root for the under-dog, so I’ve provided you with eight ways to prevent someone else from winning an argument, without necessarily winning it yourself.
1) Pretend like you don’t understand their point.
2) Kick them in the shins. When they start arguing with you over why that was inexplicably inappropriate, start apologizing as if it were a complete accident.
3) Duct-tape their chin to the roof of their mouth, that way it’s not “silencing the press” but rather “kinky foreplay.”
4) As soon as he mentions Quantum Theory, point out that he can only be half sure that he is actually making an argument, and doubly so, only half sure that you are actually listening to him. Well… he can be a little more than half sure about that last bit.
5) Start casually discussing turn-of-the-century German Expressionist Film. Pretty much any interpretation you can think of could very well be true. Unfortunately this means that anything your opponent thinks of could also very well be true. I refer to this as “Das Stälemate Kard.”
6) Intentionally ask blatantly obvious questions about their argument. For example:
Ex 1:
Opponent: Why the fuck are you making so much noise when you come home at 4? What were you thinking?
You: Wait, so is this about me just tripping and waking you up, or when I turned on music after my 3:00 lecture two Thursdays ago?
Ex2:
Opponent: “Dude, you got 1% when I specifically asked you to get 2% milk. How am I supposed to eat my cereal with 1% milk?”
You: Milk comes from cows, right?
Ex3:
Opponent: “DUDE, you made out with her?! – That’s Tony’s girlfriend of 5 years!”
You: “Oh, are they tight?”
7) If he/she invokes feminism to circumvent anything you are saying, point out that you understand feminism wayyy better than he/she does because you attended not only the Vagina Monologues, but also From Egg-Beaters to Vibrators and Wizard’s Wednesday Lunch Special.
8) Should he accuse you of being anti-American, simply accuse him of being a jingoistic xenophobe. Then unbutton your shirt to reveal the bomb you strapped to your body and wrapped with shrapnel. Then flip the detonator switch to reveal that what he thought was a bomb was actually just an extremely elaborate squirt gun. Squirt him with it.