by Rish Chaudhuri

Are you socially inept? Don’t answer this question, it’s rhetorical. But, if you did you’ve just explained why you are reading this article in the first place. Here are 7 tips that will upgrade your social status from “MY GOD you’re Creepy” to “Marginally Tolerable” in no time.

1. Talk unabashedly and blatantly about alcohol as loudly as possible, and tell everybody how “SHITFACED” you are going to get. It also helps to ask other people why they haven’t gotten shit on their face yet. Note the capitalization of “Shitfaced.” One would say “I am getting SHIIITFACED tonight”, or “why aren’t you SHITFACED”, but never “I am shitfaced”. Major faux pas. Other combinations of questionable fluids and body parts are also acceptable when used to declare your love for alcohol at parties.

2. Use Dude, Bro, or Man every other sentence. Double usage when talking to a member of the opposite sex.

3. Name drop as much as possible, especially when you don’t know anything about anyone (judging by how far you’ve read–you probably don’t). People like people who know people, even when they themselves actually have no fucking idea who you’re talking about.

4. Tell girls how shitty the dance music is, and how the underground hip hop scene is 10 times mo’ bangin. In those exact words. It’s even more legit’ if you are a suburban white kid. Them bitches are going to go bananas.

5. Bring bread. It will go well with the cheese that is your pick up line. People are usually hungry after a night out anyway, so pulling a loaf of bread out of your pocket will earn you major props.

6. Get a hard on while dancing with someone. It is viewed as a cute sign of affection. For realz. Beats staring at people’s tits (men and women) any day of the week.

7. Have a badass story, preferably modeled around an episode of “MacGyver”, where the only tools at your disposal were a hole punch, a calculator, and a giant dildo.

With these 7 steps, you’ll finally have a grasp on the light of day (as opposed to a restraining order) and you’re sure to be labeled a social pariah! Hip hip hooray!