by David Shore

Halloween is that magical time of year when children eat candy, Theta girls get slutty, and all of those horribly deformed freaks that were exiled to living in the sewer can rise up from their concrete prison to join us in celebration for one beautiful night. David Shore teaches you how to get some action while you’re at it:

You know, being a guy around Halloween is amazing erotic really hard. For girls, it’s easy to dress up Halloween. If Agnes N. didn’t spell it out clearly for you yet, let me sum it up.

Lingerie + lack of morals + lip gloss + strong set of lungs =(sex)success!

But for guys, finding the right costume can really be a Tridelt bitch. Seriously, guys are getting the short end of the Hallows Eve stick. Just like in the animal kingdom, the males of the species have to pimp it to attract (biddiez) the femalez. Most guys take the easy brotastic way out and either go the pimp route or the shirtless wonder.

So guys, you want to add some class, charm, and maybe a little wit to Halloween, this is how we do it. Besides, it always helps me get laid (…plus $200 and divine will doesn’t hurt).

• Go religious – This is a pretty easy way to do Halloween cool. Going religious on a pagan holiday? Priceless. Example? Jesus Christ (if you can’t laugh at a Jew, who can you laugh at?) Warning – avoid Catholic priest outfits. Most girls think you’re abstinent (except for Tabard girls who love the taste of the host in their mouth). Oh, and police think you’re a pedophile. Don’t you hate it when they ruin it for the rest of us?

       works, NOT     

• Pop Culture Reference – Heyyyy, everybody loves the Fonz and most bro boys love to show off how they “cool” they can look, but you can really add some flare to the usual boring assortment of Dicks in Boxes out there (hint? Realism! Whartonites, use a match-box). Remember, when you’re flaring it up out there, the goal of the holiday is to get laid have fun, so while a giant novelty penis may seem like a good idea, it’s the ultimate cock block when you’re grinding. Think about it.

• Batman Has No Limits – Seriously, Batman’s amazing. The girls love him, the guys want to be him. Awesome. But golly gee, Batman, no lame call out to the days of Adam West (i.e. the can of shark repellant spray he had on his utility belt), and to be honest I’m not a fan of Robin costumes either (not that there is anything wrong with that, I hear it’s legal in California and Massachusetts). Warning – Following the release of the Dark Knight, super hero costumes are on the rise. If you want to separate yourself from the pagan pack, think outside the DRL box. For example, instead of being the Joker, go as the reanimated corpse of Heath Ledger out to enact his revenge on the Olsen twins. I don’t think anyone’s thought of that…besides me (and possibly the Olsen twins).

So guys, I’m super serial. Please. Stop embarrassing real men everywhere by sinking to the level of the biddes. Shape up or ship out to a place where guys are allowed to be pussies (Princeton).