A special committee Congress investigation into Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg found that Mr. Zuckerberg has manipulated the newsfeeds of millions of Facebook users by commenting “bump” on liberal and left-leaning commentary. The investigation found Zuckerberg guilty of spending 2-3 hours each day scouring his site for progressive media, commenting things like “Randi Zuckerberg good read” and “first.”  By commenting on these posts, Zuckerberg capitalized on an esoteric algorithm which pushes recently-commented material to the top of newsfeeds.

Congress was perplexed why the Facebook CEO manually commented “bump” on each liberal post rather than automating the process or hard-coding it into the underlying Facebook algorithm.  The Congressional committee, in its infinite understanding of social media and technology, concluded that: “Mark Zucchini must not know how to do computers good.”