Thanksgiving is nigh, and for those of you who aren’t too worried about accidentally killing your elderly relatives, this means a family reunion!

The scenario: your relative is asking you a series of intrusive questions, attacking you and your life choices. You feel the need to remind them that you’re not a failure of an adult (yet!), and that at least for the time being, you are Not Unemployed (since you can’t be unemployed if your parents are paying tuition). However, resist the urge to tell them where exactly they can stick their questions, as we have a more family friendly alternative— take your inherent obnoxiousness as a Penn student, and amplify it through constantly bringing that up (assuming they already know you don’t go to Penn State). Here’s an example of how you can achieve this:

RELATIVE: So why are you an English major?

YOU: Haha, I guess I’m just a fan of Shakespeare. He writes in iambic Penn-tameter.

RELATIVE: What are you going to do with that?

YOU: Decision’s still penn-ding.

RELATIVE: How much is your tuition again?

YOU: Uh… ex-penn-sive.

RELATIVE: Hope it’s worth it.

YOU: Guess I’ll just have to com-penn-sate for it.

RELATIVE: So, politics, huh? Look at the state of the country! We are at war, I tell you.

YOU: We need more stability in the Penn-tagon.

RELATIVE: I don’t believe for a second that the election wasn’t stolen.

YOU: Electoral fraud did not hap-penn.

RELATIVE: They should only count the legal votes! Why did the counting take so long?

YOU: That’s the Republicans’ penn-alty for spreading electile dysfunction.

RELATIVE: I’m just sick of all these illegals mooching off hard-earned taxpayer money!

YOU: You live on a penn-sion.

RELATIVE: Oh good, here’s the turkey.

YOU: Time to shar-penn the knives.

RELATIVE: You’ve really been indoctrinated by those college liberals, haven’t you?

YOU: Go penn-etrate yourself.