Penn Issues New Policy: Failing to Preregister Means You Must Drop Out

We all know the stress of preregistering for courses: manipulating the all knowing Penn InTouch course planning worksheet, messing with the course search parameters, and praying that the site won’t crash. It’s a time consuming task to find all the “good and easy courses” so you can dedicate your second semester to spring break, Saturdayz with the boys, and rushing/participating in your sorority or fraternity events.

Preregistering is hard and the deadline is easy to miss. But if you didn’t preregister this past weekend, it’s even worse. You will be in all the hardest classes next semester and the stress will build up and you’ll fail all your midterms and you’ll get sick because you are stressed and you won’t go to the doctor because you have homework piling up and all of this will snowball and make you hate Penn. So, you’ll drop out.

This drop out statistic is 100%. Think about it. Have you ever heard of anyone who didn’t preregister for courses? Have you ever heard from or seen them again after? That’s right. You haven’t. That’s because they drop out and to protect Penn’s low drop out rate, their transcript is deleted and the collective memory of anyone who has ever met them is wiped.

But tracking down the people who failed to preregister after the semester starts is hard and it is cruel to watch them struggle like a fish gasping for air before they ultimately drop out. In order to alleviate the suffering, Penn is initiating a new policy: If you failed to preregister for courses for next semester by last Sunday at midnight, you will be forced to drop out of Penn immediately.

Bon voyage and good luck in life beyond dropping out. You won’t be remembered, and no one will recognize you when you’re the cashier at the 38th and Spruce Wawa. Also, you won’t be the next Steve Jobs. Sorry.

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