By Punch Bowl Staff

Quaker Days are upon us, and you know what that means.  As one of the oldest clubs at Penn, we’ve decided to exploit our elder members for their wisdom, and have laid it out here, for you, the next generation, to take forthwith into your bright future as a Quaker.  Below are some tips and tricks our members believe are vital to becoming successful at this illustrious institution.  Please use this guide if you have any interest in enjoying life at Penn.

First, the basics:

• You can find everyone’s address and personal information in the Penn directory.
• Join the Punchbowl, the biggest, funniest, and best magazine on campus.
• Make sure to tell everyone your SAT score often, they’ll all be super impressed.
• There’s a secret staircase in DRL that leads to the rooftop pool.
• The best bathrooms are also in DRL. Make sure that’s your first stop on campus.
• The biopond should be red. If it’s not, take matters into your own hands and put red dye in there.

Now, some tricks of the trade:

• If you block the security cameras in Harrison and learn how to pick locks, you can sneak onto the roof and set up your telescope to view the eclipse.
• People always say, “Fuck Wharton!” But when they say that they mean it literally: you should sleep with Wharton students.
• Everyone works 16 hours a day so you should work 17 to get that extra edge.
• Be sure to walk into Huntsman and scream: “down with the bourgeoisie!”
• Rob international students…
• … and start a side hustle selling their poached Canada Geese.
• All of your classes should be 8:30s, ONLY! You get to end your day earlier, it’s amazing.
• Do fentanyl at Convocation.
• Take a nap under the button, it’s very comfortable there.

And you can’t miss this:

• On September 23, there will be the annual streak across campus race. Make sure to come blindfolded, as this is how our founder Ben Franklin first started this Penn Tradition.
• Sit on the Ben Franklin bench. You’ll be pissed if you miss this tradition.

And most important of all:

• You’re not him. Everyone here goes to an Ivy League school.