We at the Punch Bowl would like to share some of our most heartfelt and emotional letters and poems with you, as you patiently wait for your date to arrive at QDoba. Face it – your date’s not coming. A dinner with you isn’t worth a free quesadilla.

Love is like a private beach
It’s hot as hell, and for most out of reach
Sometimes it’s rocky, and gives you scabs
Always it’s pricey, with a high risk of crabs

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Dear Cadbury Caramello Bar,

Since I was first introduced to you at the beginning of high school, I knew you were the one. The one to comfort me after a bad grade or to watch a romantic comedy with me on a Friday night. The one who would always be there, waiting for me on the shelves of CVS, whenever I need you. I love the way you melt in my mouth, your creamy chocolate flavor and caramel delight filling me up. Everything about you is delectable. You’re even from England. When you’re in me, I can’t concentrate on anything else but your decadent chocolate and caramel. I love you.

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Dear Bissinger’s Dark Chocolate Molasses Puffs,

I know we only met today, but I can already feel myself falling madly in love with you. You were so light, so sweet, so different. I found you intoxicating. This may sound crazy, but it’s like I’d been waiting for something exactly like you my whole life. Normally, I wouldn’t jump into a relationship so quickly, and even less into a long-distance one. I am so ready to take that leap of faith for you. I know you live in St. Louis, and that I’ll have to pay $29 plus shipping and handling every time I want to see you, but not even that can hold me back from getting involved with you. In the long run, such an intense love affair will probably be destructive. I know you’ll wreak havoc on my figure, my sensitive figure which can’t handle all of the ups and downs that come from crazy romance. But what can I say? I have to have you, whatever the cost. Love makes you crazy. Also, Cadbury Caramello Bar is a total slut.

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Dear Valentine,

I hope you enjoyed the package that came with this envelope. I personally wrapped it and brought it over to your house while you were asleep. Yes, I know where you live. Good luck winning the division this year with Francona’s sloppy seconds. YANKEES RULE!

Yours Truly,
Hank from the Bronx

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Love is like a theme park ride
With many peaks and valleys
Sometimes you have to wait in line
For too much time to tally
And then you step into the seat
But it’s so goddamn small
And you regret deciding to eat
That chili at the mall
And the kid next to you won’t stop shrieking
And the ride moves like a shopping cart
And oh God, the tracks keeps creaking
As indigestion hits your heart
Swear to God, this theme park sucks
It leaves you with no doubt
Six Flags ain’t worth the 40 bucks
…And that’s what love is all about

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Dear Recruiter,
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Thank you so much
For that interview,
Please let me know if
There’s more I can do.
…But seriously, I’ll do anything.

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like chocolate better than you

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re not that good looking,
But it’s after two.

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Is she from SK,
Or the Philadelphia Zoo?

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Let’s cut the shit,
Are you down to screw?

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You only got in
‘Cause you’re 5/16 Sioux.

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Oh shit I skipped a period

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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No, for I have never concealed an erection from a summer’s day.

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These arms of mine
They are yearning
Yearning to be unchained from this spinning bed of masochistic death.

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Strelitzias are Orange
Iceland Poppy Wildflowers are Cream
Join us at our Flower Hipsters Convention
Where we bash the florally mainstream

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What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me.
Please put down the bat.

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There once was a man with no mind
Who dated a girl with some rind,
So when the day came
To call out her name,
He called her his own Clementine.

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Hey boy hey I like your body
You drivin’ that car? Cuz I call “Shotty”
What’s that a ring? You got that for me?
Dats the biggest rock that I ever seen!
Cruise to Front Street, sit on the dock
We may be electric, but you in for a shock
Cuz you a cut like a diamond, but I’m the miner
(Ain’t no woman on earth who’s finer)
I’ll kill your ass and leave bloody pools
I may be a girl, but bitch, I can’t stand jewels.

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Roses are roses,
Violets are violets,
I want to bang you so deep,
That I touch your eyelids.

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I look upon your face so elegant,
With its sparkling eyes that make me melt,
As though all time I’ve thus far spent
Nary much offsets the love I’ve felt
To be with you is, to me, to live
To be your love is all I ask
Hands to hold, I’ll gladly give
Every time, I’ll meet the task
My memories of your fragrance true
Tend to linger long after you depart
I know, my lady, if I have you
That I’ll always have a happy heart
The most interesting thing that I now feel
Is how I must confess to being a dick
Especially now when I reveal
“Sorry, this poem was an acrostic.”