Alex Kilbourne

            Every Friday, the Punch Bowl allows any member of its staff to submit a column for the website. Today, Alex Kilbourne, is helping Punch Bowl start the Halloween weekend off the same way it does every year: with love-stricken Nazis!

Nazi Love Letter

Dear Fraulein Weissmueller,

           Mein Lieb. My pure Aryan love for you flows through my veins like the blood of the unbaptized flowed into this country. Mein Heart beats for you stronger than the unstoppable Juggernaut through Eastern Europe. I want to claim your chaste Aryan maidenhood like our brave, blond-haired Teutonic knights once did the Rheinland. You are my SS, the Sturmabteilung that seized my heart. We are the only enemies of state interned at the concentration camp of our love. I wish I had an ENIGMA for your heart, a final solution for our togetherness. I want to march into your Poland, pillage your Belgian countryside. Even though the analogy is decades old, I would fill your trenches with mustard gas. I would Göbels your Himmler so gut, you wouldn’t even be able to say “Daimler-Chrysler,” as you will be quivering like Anne Frank in December. Can I be the Grand Chancellor of your heart, the totalitarian Führer to your devotion?
           If you feel as I do, meet me at the book burning. I’ll be wearing a khaki uniform. When I see you I will raise my right hand. I am tall and blond. Hope to see you there, mein Frau.

Heil,

Friedrich