Republican/Democrat Quiz

by Alex King

                               The midterm election is behind us, which resulted in Democrats taking the House and Senate. But many of us don’t know whether to hail this as a glorious victory, or curse it as an inglorious defeat. That is because in the complicated world of modern politics, it’s easy for the common man to not know which party speaks for them. The media, hearsay and town gossips generally inform us what we should believe, but many are lost in the shuffle. Thus, this handy test will determine if you are either an A) Democrat, or B) Republican. There are only two outcomes because there are only two different ways of thinking possible in America.

                              The test is easy. For each question, you’ll accrue either positive or negative points. Add them together. The more positive your score, the more Republican leaning you are. The more negative, the more Democrat (Democrats get the negative end because they’re so negative and always whining and crying). Off you go!

I say “taxes” and you:
1) Feel fine about them, it’s not like you make any money anyway (-5)
2) Punch me in the face (+5)

A new movie is coming out about a group of communists struggling to put their ideals into action. This movie must be:
1) A Political Thriller (-5)
2) A Horror flick (+5)
3) A hilarious Comedy (+10)

Homosexuals. They exist. But how do you feel about them marrying?
1) Love is universal, let them marry! (-5)
2) Marriage is right out. But there are things that can be done about that ‘existing’ part. (+5)
3) I say I support them, but really I’m just for civil unions (-10)

So, have you stopped beating your wife?
1) That’s a ridiculous question, I would never beat my wife, and spousal abuse is no joke. (-5)
2) Yes. (+5)
3) No. (+10)

Let’s suppose you have friends. How do they think of you?
1) Animated, passionate, whiny and prone to crying (-5)
2) Bright, smiling, with a glint in your eye and a cold, cold icy heart (+5)

What do you think of people who belong to the party opposite yours?
1) Oh my god, I can’t believe people can support the GOP, like they’re just so evil, and they’re liars too, like did you see Fahrenheit 9/11? So scary. (-10)
2) Who gives a shit? I don’t want to hear them whine or cry (+5)

When it comes to matters of religion, you’re a:
1) God-fearing, bible-thumping, what-would-Jesus-be-doing Christian (+5)
2) Some heathen religion (-5)

Oh hey, remember Iraq? What the hell do you think we should do?
1) One American life isn’t worth a thousand Iraqis’ lives. Let’s just get out of dodge and let them figure it out for themselves, like having the Shiites massacre the Sunnis. Whatever. (-5)
2) Sure we have no exit strategy, or hell, even a normal strategy, but we gotta stay the course. Besides, only minorities become soldiers anyway. (+5)

You see a homeless man begging one day. You:
1) Give him a dollar, even though you spend ten dollars a day on Starbucks coffee (-5)
2) Tell him to get a job. You heartless son of a bitch (+5)

If you could pick a question to be asked on this test, what would it be?
1) “Are you dedicated to improving the world around you, and care about your common man?” (-5)
2) “Are you hot and rich?” (+5)

Now add up those results!
50 and up Wow, you sure are a Republican. Nothing can faze your red, white and blue tinted glasses. Even though you can afford to lend a helping hand, you’d rather not, because it’d get dirty.
20-50 You’re pretty Republican. You’re still heartless and soulless, but you probably feel guilty sometimes. You don’t strongly defend your beliefs, and you date a Democrat who’s cheating on you.
-20-20 You’re a centrist who doesn’t see things in black and white. You see what the Republicans are saying, but on the other hand, you know the Democrats get things right too. You are boring.
-20- -50 You believe in helping your common man, but you’re just a little selfish sometimes, and besides, poor people are icky. Or maybe you support the Democratic social platform, but would still like to have an economy.
-50 and lower – You’re a smart ass! Get it? You love that phrase, and have a T-shirt that says it, or maybe one that implies George Bush looks like a monkey (hilarious!). You’re a little self-righteous, but you’re willing to give everything you have to help people. Unfortunately you have nothing.

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