With the release of the new issue (out now! Just click on the past issues tab to the left!), some have complained that Punch Bowl is an immoral pit of bigotry and racism. Stereotypes like that mustaches can’t be arrows, Hoffa is dead, or your last hookup was a butter-everything. So today were harkening back to an idyllic, bygone era, where Punch Bowl used its powers for good, instead of evil. Here from Winter 1997, a piece that fights the stereotypes. For white people at least. From Texas.

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Texas Stereotypes

I’m a Texan, so I get all sorts of very interesting comments from my friends. Here is what I have to put up with on a regular basis.

Talking about the prom:
Me: “We decided not to go in a limo.”
Friend: “What did you do, ride a stretched horse?”
Me: “It had a bar, ok?”

Talking about anything:
Friend: “Must be from all the inbreeding.”

Talking about driving:
Friend: “Do you have a big pick-up truck with a long horn skull?”
Me: “No, but there’s a gun rack on my bicycle.”

Talking about Texas:
Friend: “That’s so cool that you’re so close to Mexico.”
Me: “I live in Fort Worth. That’s a good 12 to 15 hours from Mexico.”
Friend: “That’s cool that you live so close to Tijuana.”

When first meeting someone:
Friend: “You’re from Texas! Have you ever done it in the back of a pick-up truck?”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “With spurs on?”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “With cow intestines?”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “While listening to Billy Ray Cyrus?”
Me: “What kind of sick individual are you?”

Talking about my family:
Friend: “Do you have brothers named Bubba and Tex?”

Talking about religion:
Friend: “Are there Jews in Texas?”

After telling someone I’m from Texas:
Friend: “Can you say YEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAW!”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “Just once? Say, YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAW!”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “Come on! Say, YEEEEEE-“
Me: “You’re a very silly person and I wish you’d go away.”