by Michelle Zimmerman

           Are you attracted to emaciated men or large burly women? Do you know random shit about college sports? Are you unfazed at the site of a bone coming through skin or having to handle private parts (not yours) in the presence of others or putting your bone in someone’s private parts? Just kidding, that doesn’t happen often. If so, well I have the perfect position for you! No not reverse cowgirl, a work-study job!!!

           Penn Athletics is looking to recruit current Penn students to looking for a 2007-2008 work-study position to help out in our athletic training rooms. No skills are required upon joining the staff as we hope that being a Penn student puts you above the idiots who do this job professionally (I mean really, 4+ years of post grad to kiss boo-boos and make all better!?). You will be quickly trained in the skills of filling coolers, massaging, and applying ice bags to sore spots (we will devote at least a month to assessing the degree of soreness appropriate for ice bag application). We are looking for individuals dedicated to getting injured athletes back into shape and back in the game, because we are a goddamn D-I school and those goddamn pussies with their “stress fractures” and “pulled hamstrings” are dropping our rank below goddamn Princeton and Harvard! Ugh! Athletes must be your number one priority, over friends (we’re your friends) and school (we’ve got it taken care of, how do you think these dumb mothers pass their P/F classes?) as well as making Penn number one in the Ivies. To prove your dedication to Penn athletics you will be asked to travel with the football team next fall. They’re our largest and neediest program (literally, they’re like 300lb. teddy bears and we need you to fix them with warm milk when they wake up in the middle of the night and give them butterfly kisses when they’re homesick), which requires that you be well rested in preparation for the game/flights/over-nights when you will be on call 24/7 to the guys.

           Just off the record… Once we hire you, you are basically assumed by any athlete to have had actual medical training. A javelin through the chest, knocked out teeth, skull fracture from a balance beam… are all common injuries that we expect you to treat and remain calm while doing so. But no worries, this job does have its rewards. Soccer hosts parties after every home game and they obviously have the hottest bods on campus. Eating in front of the coxswains induces tears… SO funny! Swimmers are practically drunk all the time, which is quite the barrel of laughs. And most of the time you will be surrounded by Adonis-type figures, so don’t hold back, they enjoy being ogled at and rubbed down. What’s good for you is just as good for our kids.

           Hours will be decided for individual work-study students, and pay is $7.50 an hour. Please call the athletic department if interested. We hope that your Quaker spirit will guide you to this job. The boys and girls in red and blue need YOU to fix their black and blues… WOO HOOO! Go Penn!! Call us, no, like seriously, we need people, not joking at all, this is a real job, I’ll be waiting by the phone…