Youtube: Paradise For the Insecure

by Rish Chaudhuri

Starting our new summer lineup, Rish Chaudhuri vents his anger about his Youtube video of himself juggling kittens only getting 500 hits.

3 years ago, if you were to tell your friends, “Hey I’m on Youtube”, they would tell you that you have been smoking way too much pot, and look at you in a quizzical manner. Today, if you were to tell your friends, “Hey, I’m on Youtube”, they would still tell you that you have been smoking too much pot, but they would laugh at you as if you were a Sanjaya. For those of you who have been living under a rock/fortunate enough to be doing things other than be subject to the drivel that is network television, this describes a phenomena in which someone’s singing/appearance is so awful, the frequency of sound resonates with your OMG WTF IS THIS ROFL receptor, and you are beside yourself with laughter in an instant.

Back to the subject at hand, it is undeniable that Youtube has become an online haven for everyone, from luddites to technocrats, from gangster rappers to tranceheads to vent their insecurities, and take “not having a life” to new levels of ignominy. Although Youtube is a fantastic source of watching free soccer highlights or random TV shows, what pisses me off is the people who make it a point to post videos of themselves and wait patiently to see what people think of them, and how many people bother to watch their pathetic little 5 minutes of fame. Phrases like “I have 999 views, and you have 500 views, therefore I am better than you” are how the Average Youtuber justifies the vacuous emptiness of their soul.

SexyGrrl1986, nobody really gives a shit whether or not hunky Tommy from the shoe store wants to be your fuckbuddy. Rokker29, people would rather administer artificial insemination to wild horses than watch your band bludgeon countless classics beyond recognition. Hey, I’m on Youtube! Look at me everyone, look at my profile, look at my profile. The number of views and the ratings I get on my videos are the only determinants of my non existent self esteem. Did I mention that you should look at my profile? I cry myself to sleep at night.

Out of the kindness of my heart, I will impart some much needed advice to these lost souls. The first piece of advice starts with an E and ends with an E. No, no, not euthanize, although that would be helpful to the human gene pool in some respects, but exercise. 30 years down the line, when you are alone in some random hospital with the comforting thought of an enema hanging over your head, you’ll really wish you hadn’t been chomping down on your sixth box of chicken nuggets while watching LonelyGirl234 talk about her bulimia. My second piece of advice is, discover the opposite sex/same sex/animals. There are a lot of people in this world, and even more animals.

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