A Better America

As dictated by the American Secession Society Head Official and Leading Executive,
Karl K. Kasper

Transcribed by Punch Bowl Sophomore Dan Gillis

This country is going down the shit hole, but I didn’t have to tell you that. You saw the election results. Hell, you’re probably one of the godless heathens who chose to ruin this glorious Freedomland of ours. Too many people voted without thinking about the far reaching consequences of their actions. It’s a sad day, indeed, when our people decide that continuing to send welfare checks to the Oval Office for another four years is more important than the welfare of this country. Government officials talk about trying to help the poor, but they know damn well that they will never be too successful to piggyback on Uncle Sam’s declining, moribund shoulders. For example, it’s a commonly known fact that our government spends way too much on bullshit programs year after year. Thanks to the idiot majority in this country (and voter fraud, fingers crossed), the rich will now be taxed to the point where they too will need government assistance. And you know this “government” is just going to frivolously spend this new income like they’re drunkenly stuffing hundred dollar bills into a stripper’s thong, in order to support their liberal-fascist causes. That’s what happens when you elect imbeciles. Everyone knows the only way to get rid of debt is to reduce revenue, not raise it.

Fortunately, thousands of Americans have decided to rise to the occasion and help claw our way out of this godforsaken political quagmire. Our first patriots protested a lack of representation. Now in honor of those rich, self-interested aristocrats we continue to fight for our freedom by protesting the results of an election we lost fair-and-square. We’ve tried and failed to fix this country legitimately. It’s time for something radical. A revolution was our first choice. Unfortunately, thanks to all those gun “control” laws, we lack the firepower to successfully carry that out. Instead, we must turn to our next best option: the almighty petition.

It began with one great citizen from Louisiana. Watching the election slip away from the Republicans, Michael E. from Slidell knew there was still a country that needed his saving, even though it didn’t know how to properly ask. He did what any angry man would do: he went straight to the White House (website) to complain. Once there, he realized that our government can easily ignore one man, but it couldn’t sweep aside several dozen. So he created a petition, eloquently calling for our political leaders to “Peacefully grant the State of Louisiana to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.” This bold message and EMPHATIC USE OF CAPITALIZATION didn’t go unnoticed for long. Thousands of people have signed the petition, and every state – I mean every goddamned state – including communist strongholds like California and New York, has created their own version, realizing the only way out is, well, out. So far, Texas valiantly leads the charge. Over 100,000 people have signed the petition supporting its secession. That’s nearly an incredible 0.4% of the Texan population! If our government continues to let the whims of minorities dictate the actions of this country, then you can say goodbye to the Lone Star State within the next couple of weeks.

Listen, I come from a place with family values. A place where human rights apply only to humans. A place where abortion is the man’s right, not the woman’s. A place where we’ll give the death penalty for any crime just because we want that new electric chair to be a worthwhile investment. All we want is to live in a land where there will always be someone worse off than any heterosexual, white man. But, by the time the next four years are over, this beautiful society will have completely collapsed. I can’t stand to see all the peoples that my forefathers had worked so hard to oppress frolicking around with their freedom. The idea that two men could kiss each other in matrimony in the same sacred spot where our preacher molested all the choir boys makes me sick to my stomach. And the mosques! If we don’t put a stop to this now, there will be a mosque on every corner. How are concerned Christians supposed to spread malicious lies about Muslims, when there are more and more real Muslims around helping to combat those lies! We didn’t vote for this, and you can bet your ass that we will sign any petition you give us, so long as we don’t have to read it and don’t have to sign on game day.

All I ask is that you sign the petitions too. You don’t even need to be from these states. I know you liberals want us out just as much as we want to leave. It’s time for the real Americans to show their patriotism. If you actually loved this country, you too would be willing to leave forever just because democracy won.