by Luba Smolensky
In the holiday spirit of charity and endless commercialism, Luba Smolensky reveals the secret correspondence she’s been having with some fat pedophile.
Dear Kris Kringle aka Santa Claus aka St. Nicky aka Fat Ass who drinks too much Natty lite and wears Red to promote the fight against AIDS,
In case you were too busy shagging your lady elves, you fucking sick perv, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that it’s December. For my mgmt 100 project, me and 9 other blessed individuals will change the way you do Christmas. We think we are going to turn it into one event that will raise awareness about the world’s grimmest problems ranging from elf labor to reindeer abuse. We will split up into several committees that will ultimately accomplish very little. The marketing committee will make stickers and order t-shirts that will link midget slavery to apple cider. The fundraising committee will guarantee that we have enough money to donate to the International Elf and Creature Counsel which watches over the completely necessary existence of magical beings. The planning committee will organize a silent auction at the event. We may auction off Rudolph, depending on his availability, to show that living with a random stranger is better than lugging your fucking presents around for god knows how many hours (the time zones always confused the shit out of me). The operations and systems committee will make sure the event runs smoothly. For instance, to promote the green movement, we will make sure that each visitor ( we are going to try really hard to target adults outside the Penn community) is given a goody bag that consists of 4 grams of weed, a green lighter, kryptonite, and a green pamphlet that discusses how the Amazon has no influence on the North Pole. Some other activities during the event that my team, Santa’s Little Helpers, will supervise include:
The WhartonWonderland: we start off the first part of this activity by making fake snow. This will recreate the North Pole. Then after contacting local businesses in West Philadelphia, we will obtain the world’s largest, most phallic looking candy cane which can symbolize the magical colonization of the Arctic Circle. After a few hours, the team will take turns spilling buckets of water to demonstrate the harmful effects of global warming. Because the team will work together during this part of the event, it will show our syner-fuckin-gistic team dynamics.
In order to pull off this new Christmas, we will spend little to no time together. This will reflect the new values of Christmas and in turn, of mankind. None of these values include trust, respect, or mutual accountability. Please consider this the last time we will talk to you until Christmas. Then we will lock you in the cellar, strip you down to steal your our costume (this will add to the authenticity of our new event), and steal all of your toy-making equipment because we cannot afford to exceed our nonexistent budget. But have no fear Santy Claus! We have not forgotten that Christmas is meant to be one big birthday party for mi amigo Hesus! That’s why we are going to serve cake, collect all the presents and keep them for ourselves! But that’s completely ethical because we will create a database of all the shit we ‘were gifted’ so that future management teams can benefit from our infinite wisdom. In case you were looking for the thesis in this letter, I am sorry, but it may be just too general and vague. Have a pleasant few weeks, but start watching your back because we are very serious about our team performance review.
P.S.- In case you give us mad shit throughout the semester [ie: pulling litigation nonsense out of your ass to tell us our project is fucking illegal] then our T.A. will beat you up and feed you to the Easter Bunny. Yes that’s right, our T.A is God and he wants his son, J.C, to have a great birthday party.
P.S.S- You may also consider this your formal save the date card, as well as your invitation, and for the sake of pure efficiency, your thank you card as well.
P.S.S.S.- bring the piñata.