by Rish Chaudhuri
Now that the lesser elections are over, it is time to prep for the elections that really matter, and where we as the student body can make a difference. For reals…
Are you thinking about running for Student Government? We at Punchbowl are keen to help you develop your dictatorial skills and hone your demagoguery/torture abilities in any way, shape or form!
If you are contemplating running for an elected position on either the Undergraduate Assembly or Class Boards, please follow the guidelines below:
1) When the polls open, it’ll just be the voters on campusexpress, and God knows they won’t remember any of your ridiculous posters or paid UTV13 campaign spots. No, they’ll simply vote for whoever has the most memorable name. Before running for student government, consider changing your name to “OptimusPrime Fuck-Princeton III” to ensure an easy victory.
2) If you find you’re doing poorly at the polls, you should get a life. Alternatively, you can stalk girls, steal their underwear, and get caught, or you could hack into a government database from your Kings Court dorm room. Potential jail time does wonders for your credibility.
3) Storm the kitchen’s Commons and Hill College House, and create a public outcry about WMD’s (washers of mouldy dishes), the existence of which is questionable. But does any self respecting politician give a fuck? How about no. If your fellow candidates challenge you on this notion, just call them “economic girlymen”. Nothing beats that. Nothing.
4) Make sure you state what you stand for: ‘Giving students’ a voice’, ‘making the school better’, ‘definitely not running just so you can put it on your resume’, and other vague half-truths no one will believe.
5) Maintain a facade of solidarity with minority groups on campus, such as the Brown Club, the Yellow Club, and the Masturbation Society as they play a significant role in this game of electoral tiddlywinks. Well, the Masturbation Society isn’t really a minority, but you get the picture…
6) No one knows what the UA actually does. So make wild campaign promises you can’t keep, like making tuition free, grades only being As, and random people giving you suitcases filled with money and gummi bears on a weekly basis.
We at Punchbowl guarantee that if you follow our 6 step winning formula, you are guaranteed a landslide victory. Making a difference in people’s lives is probably the most wonderful feeling in the world! If you don’t win, you are a failure at life, and people will urinate on, then burn effigies of you, whilst every moment of your life from the loss onwards is like spending an eternity in the fiery depths of hell. GOOD LUCK GUYS, and may the best man/woman/hermaphrodite/squirrel win!