Friday Special: Failed Religious Holidays

by Joe Restaino

Holidays always seem to come and go, having just past Halloween, Columbus Day, and the newly-christened Muslim Independence Day of Nov 4. But even though these holidays have past, don’t worry, because Joe Restaino knows about some alternative holidays to get wasted at:

Sprouting from fictitious masterpieces, the three most important religions, Jediism, Scientology, and Catholicism, have swept they world, growing in power and popularity rivaled only by Michael Jackson (pre-molestation). We are all familiar with their mainstream holidays, Christmas, Skywalkermas, and of course March 13 (you must be an atheist if you don’t know this hallowed day), but what about the forgotten ones?

Jediism: Because You Still Live in Mommy’s Basement With Your Leia Blow-Up Doll

When George Lucas announced the intergalactic release date of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the Jedi Council in Sydney, Australia rightly consecrated it as a holiday. But during their private screening of Lucas’ greatest disappointment, the entire Jedi Council committed suicide. The disturbance in the force was so great that every Jedi Master and Knight immediately died. Never before in the history of mankind has there been such a magnitude of senseless killings (especially since the Holocaust is nothing more than an Old Wives’ tale.) Jediism continues to limp on like Bush’s reputation but the force may have been lost forever.

Scientology: When Your Novels Fail, Start a Religion

Since Scientology is clouded in secrecy, I was only able to learn of one failed holiday from Buck Rogers, a Level 7 Operating Thetan, who was later executed for his betrayal. For the first time ever, non-Scientologists (people with a higher IQ than Tom Cruise) will know of Helbotrus- Hashanah (please don’t confusion with actual holiday Helbotrus-Hashishah celebrated by California teenies everywhere). Once a year every year on April 4, this divine day was typically celebrated by a foolishly long parade of goose-stepping Scientologists waving banners proclaiming “Death to MLK.” According to Buck, MLK is actually the name of a Thetan who tried to enslave mankind but was slain by L. Ron Hubbard using only a pocket Bible. Shockingly, this day coincides with the actual day Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. Fearing the obvious repercussions (especially since there are no African American Scientologists) this bloody day was forgotten and deleted from chapter nine of Bare-Faced Messiah: The True Life Story of L. Ron Hubbard.

Catholicism: the Guilt That Keeps on Giving

We all know about the birthday of our Lord God Jesus Christ, King of Kings, Bro of Bros, etc., but what about June 6th? Yes, that’s right, June 6th, the day that was forgotten until now. According to Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code, Jesus was not only married, but also had a daughter (a dime according to Judas) who was born on this fertile day. Christians everywhere celebrated this holiday, whose name was purged from history by the strong arm of the Vatican (nuns), by passionately flogging themselves until Pope Silvester I decided to ruin it for everyone. (He was sterile and lonely.) Fortunately his successor Pope Hilarius (real pope) declared contraceptives a mortal sin, preserving the memory of Jesus’ fertile loins. Praise Jesus!

So whether you are snuggled up in bed waiting for President Taft’s look-a-like to shimmy down your chimney or solemnly observing March 13th (L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday you atheist), remember one thing: all holidays are fictional.

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