Health Inspector: Hello, Mr. Wonka, thanks for inviting me into your office. I’m going to try to make this quick. I have an appointment with the Keebler Elves at 5.
Wonka: Ah, yes. So much time, and so little to do! Wait—reverse that. What can I do for you, my good man?
Health Inspector: Well, after looking around your factory and speaking with some people, I think you’re in need of some major overhauls.
Wonka: Overalls you say? Why, I have the grandest new Bubble Gum Overalls, they’ll be great for the kids out on the farms in Nebraska—
Health Inspector: —Mr. Wonka, I could do without the puns. These are some very serious violations here. First, we have the endangerment of Violet Beauregard, Veruca Salt, Augustus Gloop, and Mike Teevee. They could very easily sue you.
Wonka: Wrong, sir, wrong! Under Section 37-B of the contract signed by the children it clearly states, “Fax mentis incendium gloria culpum, et cetera, et cetera…memo bis punitor delicatum!”
Health Inspector: Yeah, I’ve read Section 37-B, and all of that is just Latin gibberish. Nowhere in the contract does it say you can’t be held liable if, say, a child accidentally gets turned into a giant blueberry. Also, these children were not of legal age or competence to enter into contract. Charlie Bucket can’t even read.
Wonka: I’m sorry, I’m a trifle deaf in this ear. You’ll have to speak a little louder next time.
Health Inspector: Speaking of deafness, there has been widespread loss of hearing in children up and down the East coast. I did some testing, and I found traces of shoe polish in your latest batch of Classic Wonka Bars.
Wonka: See, I added shoes because the chocolate needed a little kick!
Health Inspector: That doesn’t even make any sense! That’s what you have sugar and spices for! You don’t throw shoes into your chocolate just to service a shitty pun!
Wonka: Oh, you should have seen what I put in the Scrumdiddlyumptious bars!
Health Inspector: Do I even want to know?
Wonka: Well, they weren’t rich enough…so I put diamonds in them!
Health Inspector: Good lord, that explains all those children with intestinal scarring in Milwaukee! How do you come up with this stuff?
Wonka: We are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams…
Health Inspector (sighs): Let’s just move on. I want to talk about these “Oompa Loompas.”
Wonka: Yes, my little friends! I’m sure they told you about Loompaland, and how I saved them from all those awful Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and Vermicious Knids.
Health Inspector: The “Oompa Loompas” actually told me about how you’ve been surreptitiously kidnapping midgets over the last 25 years, forcing them to wear orange face paint and work in your factory without pay.
Wonka: Ah, but of course they’re joking! They love a good joke, those Oompa Loompas. And they’re always singing!
Health Inspector: They talked about the singing, too. They said if they don’t perform at least four original songs per day, with appropriate choreography, you drunkenly scream at them and deprive them of food. Is this true, Mr. Wonka? Do you have a drinking problem?
Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!
Health Inspector: Well, Mr. Wonka, I’m appalled and disgusted by your behavior. You can be sure I’ll be reporting all of this to the proper authorities.
Wonka: There’s no need to do that, my good man! Surely I could give you something to, ah, sweeten you up a bit? Why don’t you take this Everlasting Gobstopper? It’s not even on the market yet!
Health Inspector (smiling): Why, yes, Mr. Wonka, that would certainly persuade me.
(Wonka hands the Health Inspector the Everlasting Gobstopper, and the Health Inspector leaves the factory. Wonka notices that the Health Inspector left a business card behind.)
Wonka: He left his business card! Let’s see what it says here. “Arthur Slugworth, Slugworth Industries.” Oh God…it was Slugworth all along…NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
FIN