Randolphe III

For many years, very little was known about Lord Randolphe III of Norway.  He was briefly mentioned in the diaries of Caroline Matilda of Wales, who referred to him as “…an estranged cousin of King Christian VII…he has neither the intelligence nor the sobriety to be a man of any worth.”  Aside from other brief insults of him in other historical documents, significant details about his life were relatively unknown.

Yet that all changed in 2011, when archeologists discovered a series of manuscripts written by Randolphe beneath an abandoned tavern near Oslo.  The documents were evidently pieces of a philosophical treatise meant to accompany the other works of the European Enlightenment.  While many pages were destroyed due to gin stains and bite marks, the excerpts from the legible portions are provided below.

On Air
The air cannot be seen by the eyes.  As well, the eyes cannot be seen by the eyes.   Unless of course thou is looking for thyself in a mirror.  It follows that the mirror is made of air.  No…the air is made of mirrors.   Ah, fuck it. 1

On Slavery
Every man should have the fortune of owning a slave.  I tell that to my slaves all the time.  It seems only fair.

On Comedy
Comedy is that which makes the humours delight.  One time I flogged my gardener with a large piece of wood.  Now that’s comedy!2

On Beauty
Beautiful women make the insides feel heavenly!  God reaches out to man and tells him he should touch or smell them.  But for some reason God tells thee women to kick and scream until the man gets bruised and tearful and wants to go back to the castle for a bath.

On Vegetables
Oh vegetables, how foul ye be to the tongue!  Ick!3 I hate them!

On Morality
Morality is that which is not sinful.  Sin is the cause of lust, and lust is the reason I was exiled from Catalonia.

On Creatures
The earth is filled with all sorts of creatures!  Some are good for eating, others are not. Oftentimes you can’t be certain until you take a bite.

On Love
Love can be as wondrous as her majesty’s bosom or hellish as cholera.  When the passions do quiver in the pit of thy soul, it is often the feeling of love.  The face sweats, the body shakes, the forehead burns, and thy limbs flail about wildly.4

1Loosely translated from ‘sværdfisk, forkert indbygger’, the literal translation reads ‘May God murder all people and things that make me angry.’

2The incident was well-documented by Dag Svennson in his famous paper, “Misbruget af de Fattige” (The Plight of the Impoverished), a harsh criticism of the Danish nobility that triggered a country-wide peasant uprising.

3The Danish “ghkhrrkkaaah”; a dialect produced in the back of the throat that has no  meaning other than to indicate gagging.

4Randolphe III died of cholera in 1809.

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