Dearest Hillary,

There are only two things I can’t stop thinking of: global warming, and you. I want to confess like a water-boarded detainee – I love you. We are enemies of the vast right wing conspiracy detained at the Guantanamo of our passion. This secret is my real inconvenient truth.

When I think of you I am inspired to do so many new things, such as wear a bright shirt, or leave a light on overnight. We share so much, you and I: we both lost the presidency just when it was almost in our grasp, we both have worked so hard to protect the environment, and, most importantly, we have both pretended to sleep with your husband.

Why can’t you leave your pantsuits behind and join me in Nobelly peaceful seclusion? We could just get away (anywhere but Florida, ha ha), our passion burning red, white, blue, and eco-friendly. This letter may seem as unjustified as your Senate seat, but I know my feelings are true. Like a universal health care bill, our love shall never pass.

My love always,

Al

PS. I’ll keep you pinned to the bed like I was Bosnian sniper fire.