In a response to the recent criticism of a glaring lack of diversity in the upper reaches of Penn faculty, President Amy Gutmann has enacted a new policy. We tracked down President Gutmann sneaking out of Chipotle in disguise and asked her why she decided to enact her new “Diversify Now!” program.

“Well, I pride myself on not only listening to the complaints of the faculty and students, but really acting on them as well. Until recently, I was blind to the ethnic hegemonies I have allowed to exist on campus. The state of diversity at Penn is criminal. I mean, did you know that almost all the professors in the South Asian Department are South Asian? And the Chinese language teachers, you guessed it: they’re all basically from China! As President, I can promise to ameliorate this de facto segregation.”

Meanwhile, chaos has descended upon Penn’s campus. Gina Trollop, a sophomore in the College, was surprised to find an Eskimo at the head of her Intermediate Korean class last week. When asked about the class, she said, “He didn’t speak a word of Korean and we couldn’t understand anything he said either. But, I’m pretty sure we’re going on an ice-fishing field trip tomorrow.”

Similar stories have become ubiquitous. Wharton Junior, Tom Ripken was shocked when, upon entering his Hebrew class, he found an imposing Indian man barking Punjabi grammar at him. Many felt the new policy overstepped the bounds of propriety when President Gutmann anointed herself the chair of the Middle East Center. “I don’t understand,” she murmured amidst thousands of complaint letters, “Isn’t this what they wanted?”

In other news, all deans in the university are still white.