Dear Morris Family,

What a weekend! Thank you so much for taking me into your home and letting me experience what it’s like to be a member of your family. Opportunities like this come only once in a blue moon for orphans like myself, and I really appreciate the consideration to let me join your clan.

That’s what makes this so difficult…I’m going to have to pass. Sorry. I thought long and hard about the prospects of becoming a Morris and I’ve decided it’s not going to be a good fit for me.  I’m sure you’re curious why I’ve made this decision, and it would only be fair to give you reasons. There were a few:

The way you’ve organized your home is just plain weird. Keeping bread in the fridge is one thing (though that alone was almost enough to sway me), but peanut butter? Seriously? How am I supposed to spread the damn stuff when it’s all cold and hardened?  And why do you keep your small plates and big plates on opposite sides of the kitchen?  Whatever organizing system you have that doesn’t put two kinds of plates together is clearly fundamentally flawed.

Let’s see, what else?  The couch covers are off-putting, the shoe policy insane (always off in summer, your call in winter? Wtf?), and Milly the songbird is just plain ugly.  Someone had to say it.  In addition, I found ‘family soup night’ to be a bizzare affair, and am stunned by your decision to have them on Saturdays.  I must admit, however, you make a hell of a fagioli Jim.

Finally, you’re all incredibly annoying to play with at Scrabble.   No Perry, ‘qyzax’ is not a word no matter how much it would help you.  Liz, you don’t have to ask how many points each word would get you, the point values are right on the freaking tiles!  And we all could use a blank tile Jim, come on!

So yeah, I think I might just try to stick things out in the orphanage. Sure the gruel sucks, but the rent is incredible and the water pressure is to die for. I mean, it’s not paradise, but it’s home. And isn’t that what I’m looking for anyway?

Fornever yours,

Wally