Last year, Hill College House underwent an $80 million renovation that brought the dorm into the modern age. But contrary to the majority of Hill residents, a four-year-old cockroach living under the freshman dorm say she misses the “old” Hill.

“Sure, the renovation brought expanded dining facilities and air-conditioned dorms” explained the tired, malnourished roach. “But I remember Hill like it used to be, with all of the great crawl spaces and debris we used to have. And don’t get me started on the uncaulked drywall — I really miss that place.”

“These younger roaches, they just don’t understand how good things used to be” she added.

While repairing the gap-toothed brickwork and crumbling infrastructure may have benefited the student population, one would hope that Penn would be more accommodating to all of the building’s residents. But the roach remains optimistic: “Life has certainly gotten worse for us under the administration’s reforms” she observed. “But who knows? With enough effort, maybe we can get things back to normal in just a few decades.”