With Halloween, Thanksgiving, and potentially Easter right around the corner, self-proclaimed pre-med major (technically BBB) Vivian Patel (C’21) is embracing the holiday cheer. As many of her fellow classmates are developing coughs, sneezes, and sniffles, Patel feels a sense of duty to personally diagnose the diseases of every one of her classmates.

“As a future doctor, I want to give myself the opportunity to practice diagnosing others. Flu season (#fluszn) is my favorite time of year! On my med school applications, I can proudly say that I have had experience in directly helping patients,” says Patel. 

When asked for tips and her diagnosing strategy, Patel explains, “If it’s a deep, throaty cough, it’s prolly syphilis. If the sniffles sound like they’re mucus-laden, it’s probably pneumonia, but I wouldn’t rule out chlamydia. I would also recommend a full antibiotic course of C22H30N6O4S and C24H28N4O10S, but that’s just me (sorry I just learned so much in orgo). If the sneezes occur consecutively (as in a series of 3 or more sneezes per fit), then they may have tonsillitis… or venereal disease, of course.”

When questioned about her unique methods of diagnoses, Patel interjected, “It’s a skill that you develop, but you kind of get used to it after a while. It’s just something that I picked up during my week-long Medical-Brigade-to-Heal-the-Whole-World-At-Once-Trip this summer in Guatemala.”

Patel then proceeded to squeeze a glop of hand sanitizer onto her palm. “I just want to keep my fellow classmates and myself as healthy as possible. You can never be too careful these da-” she said as she sneezed into her 99.9% germ-free hands.