Dear Sharona,

There are times when a man cannot fully express his feelings to the woman he loves. He can, at that point, do one of two things: 1) He can grow a pair and talk to the woman, or 2) He can commission a mutual friend to send her a letter outlining why he is worthy of her love. Steve has chosen the latter.

Let me be the first to tell you how totally awesome Steve is. He has the strength of ten men. He can leap tall buildings in a single bound. And one time he took 5 shots before a midterm and aced that shit.

Now, before you read any further, let me assure you that I am in no way jealous of the chemistry that you guys almost definitely have. Two people who have an inside joke about Heidi Klum’s ass are clearly destined to be together.

But really, the point is that Steve’s a great kid. That time he threw up all over his last girlfriend’s face, he didn’t hesitate to apologize and chuckle weakly. And whenever I need help with a problem, he’s always quick to tell me to use Yahoo Answers.

I have heard from reliable sources that you’re worried about Steve’s maturity. But really, who hasn’t made it their mission in life to teabag every living person they know? Well, I haven’t, for one, but just keep in mind that Steve’s childish, almost retarded antics are good-natured and mostly legal.

Some might say that Steve isn’t the best looking guy in the world. Sure, I could work on a pig farm for twelve hours and still look better than Steve in his Sunday best. And sure, his weak, impotent chin can’t hold a flame to my chiseled man-jaw. But are you really going to choose who you go out in public with by looks alone?

Now, I’m not saying that Steve is perfect. By no means is he even close to perfect, or even close to what I bring to the table. There are tons of guys like me out there who you could easily be with. But are you really looking for someone who’s smart, athletic, kind, and great with kids? I didn’t think so.

Yours truly,

Jack

P.S. If you want to talk about Steve more, we can discuss how great he is over dinner and a movie.