by Andrew Piskai

Dear U.S. Soccer Fans,

Landon Donovan. Tim Howard. Jozy Altidore. I don’t know who these people are either, but I do know one thing. With household names like these, it is apparent that we shouldn’t have lost to Ghana in the round of 16 in this year’s FIFA World Cup. Don’t bail on our best and most popular American sports team just yet though. Before you jump on the Ghana bandwagon (which is a 3-speed 1984 Dodge Caravan), perhaps you should better familiarize yourself with Ghana. After all, by the transitive property, it is the greatest country in the world.

I bet you’re asking yourself, “Is Ghana where Ghanarrhea comes from?” While I’m not a doctor and cannot legally answer that, I can say that I was there for four weeks earlier this summer. Yes it was hot, yes I got malaria and no I didn’t live in a tiny little mud hut in a village—-they didn’t have enough of them for all of us. The fact about Ghana, though, is that it is a country just like ours. Like us, Ghana gained independence from Britain in the mid-1950’s in a bloodless political revolution. They also have electricity sometimes and both their cities have roads. Lastly, just like in America, its people can’t turn away from a soccer game. I guess, when it comes down to it, the only real difference between our two countries is what they call soccer.
People in Ghana call soccer “football” which doesn’t make any sense. As Americans know, that name is already taken by Roger Goodell. Why would you have two sports called the same thing? That’d be stupid.

To clear up a couple of further misconceptions, natives of Ghana are called Ghanaians, the capital is called Accra, and they sell Coke not Pepsi. I also learned that the top three animals in Ghana were goats, dogs and goats. While Ghana does have elephants, they are no longer allowed to play on their soccer-football team because of the 1972 trampling of the Peruvian national team. Finally, the fact that Ghana’s soccer-football team is called the Black Stars is a reference to their flag and not their players.

Losing 2-1,
A. T. Piskai