Greetings my avid readers AKA mom! So I have a problem. My extensive work in the psych department last semester (shouts out to PSYC160!) has quite near ruined my experience with hip-hop music. The more I listen to rap music, the more I recognize not-so-borderline psychotic behaviors described in class. Oh, you don’t know what I mean? Let me show you some examples.

“Xzibit use his dick like a Visa/I run it through and money come out.” –  Xzibit, X

Translation: I get kicked out of Macy’s for public indecency OR You have no idea what I had to go through to get my dick this thin.

It sounds like our friend “X to the Z” Xzibit has either some serious fiscal issues or has a serious biological gift.

On one hand, Xzibit could be just throwing his penis on the store counter whenever he needs to pay for something in a last ditch effort to pay for something. Which, you know, might work. I’m not going to just say that he’s being creepy, maybe his dick has a high trade-in value. In that case, good for him.

However, maybe Xzibit is telling the truth. Maybe he has a paper thin phallus with a magnetic strip linked to a large bank account. It wouldn’t be the weirdest accessory X has pulled from his imagination after 6 seasons of his MTV show “Pimp My Ride”.

“Put that mayonnaise on your child.” – Plies, Becky

Translation: I am a highly irresponsible babysitter.

I don’t know what’s more terrifying about this line: the fact that Plies is the R. Kelly of sandwich condiments, or that he’s commanding the listener to do it for him. Why is this even necessary? Is this a game? Or is this a disciplinary strategy? I don’t know, but let’s just say I will be first in line when Plies comes out with his first parenting book.

SIDE NOTE: I just did some Plies research (the exact type of research you SHOULD be doing around midterm season) and I can confirm he is a father to multiple children. Let that sink in for a moment.

“The n****s is comin’/get out your good dishes or something like it’s Thanksgiving.” – Jay-Z, Don’t Let Me Die

Translation: Yo, have dinner ready by 6. The squad’s coming through. What’s that? You don’t want to make dinner for my entourage? Awesome, we’ll see you at 6.

There are so many things wrong with this lyrics that I honestly have no idea where to start.

First of all, this is the most passive aggressive way to say that you want to have dinner at someone else’s house.  He’s basically saying “we’re going to have dinner, or something related to that, maybe we’ll sit and talk around your table, but some really nice china will have to be involved at some point in the night.”

Second of all, he’s probably implying that whenever him and the squad go ANYWHERE they have a Thanksgiving feast. Which I guess is cool in principle, but you’d think that the cholesterol from 3 or 4 Thanksgivings daily would catch up with him pretty quickly. And the only thing “hard” about obesity is the arterial blockage that would result from those terrible eating habits.

So what should you take away from this article? I would say a variety of things. A penis could be used as collateral in a fiscal transaction in a jam. The best way to ask for a dinner party is to demand a dinner party, kind of. But, most of all, if a rapper tries to be your friend, RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN. They’ll probably put mayonnaise on you.