by Steven Green

When Columbus sailed the ocean blue, but before he raped the Caribbean, his goal was to find spices in the east. Well, that’s what he claimed anyways. See, the real reason Columbus wanted to find a faster route to Asia was because he had come down with a severe case of yellow fever. Yes, ladies and gentlepersons, Columbus liked to dabble in the pleasures of the Far East. He was so horny for Asian girls that when he arrived at land and found only peace-loving Native Americans, there was nothing else to do except rape and kill them all.

Since the days of Columbus, the fever has only gotten worse, leaving many to wonder what it is that causes White males to constantly want to do the dirty with Asian females. Recent behavioral research has given us new insight into why this behavior occurs.

Numbers
Well, there is no getting around it. There are a fuckload of Asian people. Which means there are a fuckload of Asian girls, especially at the U to the P. So if your average whitey were to hook up with the first girl that passes him on the street, chances are she is going to be Asian. Even Achmadenijhad can’t deny this.

Variety
Part of what makes Asians so special is the diversity available within the ethnic group. First up is the Americanized Asian. These girls are usually first generation Americans who sport Abercrombie and J. Crew and typically go right for the popped collar surrounding a pasty frat boy neck. Next are the Asianized Asians. These are the ones who are only allowed to date Asian guys, as per the rule of their parents. Which means they are pretty much down to jump on any cracker that can offer them some excitement to a life otherwise filled with awkward parental stares and all-Asian church groups. Third are the Recently Arrived. These girls are generally seen out on locust taking pictures of squirrels. They may not speak the language of the red white and blue, but then again, some bulges words are universal. Finally are the Ghetto Asians. These are typically extremely gorgeous women who like to wear dark, low cut jeans, a fake-ripped shirt showing gratuitous amounts of skin, and sometimes dye their hair blonde. Forget it whitey, you don’t have a chance with this one unless you have at least ten friends in DuBois. And no, that one kid in your Management 100 group freshman year doesn’t count.

Style
Nothing says DTF like a Hello Kitty backpack and a plethora of furry cell phone attachments. No White boy can resist that kind of seductive style. Whether it be the J. Crew shorts worn by the Americanized Asian or the the giant camera around the neck of the Newcomer out on Locust, the White male is left powerless to the temptations of the Far East. From the people who have given us the Great Wall, nothing says class like population laws/political dissidence/censoring Google/appreciating the irony of Hello Kitty underwear.

I hope this new study has been insightful. As a former President, I know how important it is to understand emerging trends in American society, especially trends involving people having sex.

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton