Stevie, Boy Wonder — Super Secret Santa

by Shai Nir

Drawing his powers from a secret barrel of nucleoactive radios, he is…

Stevie, Boy Wonder!

Winter has struck Philadelphiaburg severely as a series of heavy blizzards transformed the usually gray town into a uniform white. Communication lines have gone down, good citizens have been snowed in, and squirrels have been transformed into squirrelsicles. But right now, for Stevie, Boy Wonder, the coming of the cold season means only one thing: Christmas shopping.
Stevie is at Philadelphiaburg’s Galleryburg mall. With him is Ph’tal, a powerful galactic law enforcer stationed on the planet Earthburg.

Stevie: How much shopping have you gotten done?
Ph’tal: None. I don’t have any shopping to do.
Stevie: Didn’t you get assigned someone for the Super Secret Santa exchange?
Ph’tal: Yeah, but I don’t celebrate Christmas.
Stevie: Then why did you sign up for Super Secret Santa?
Ph’tal: So I get a free present from someone.
Stevie: Ph’tal, you have to give a present to get a present.
Ph’tal: Can I give air?
Stevie: No.
Ph’tal: Fine. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to get.
Stevie: Well, who’s your Super Secret Santa target?
Ph’tal: Synesthesia.1 But I don’t know what she likes.
Stevie: Just get her something anyone would like. Something like a scarf, or a box of grenades.
Ph’tal: Which one’s cheaper?
Just then, a familiar voice stops the conversation. The speaker is Philadelphiaburg’s vengeful anti-hero, Poetic Justice.2
Justice: Stevie, Ph’tal, I could use your help.
Stevie: What’s up?
Justice: It turns out the string of blizzards plaguing the city is caused by a supervillain called The Winter. I’ve tracked him down to a base in this mall, but I think his defenses are tough. Can I count on your help?
Stevie: Sure. Ph’tal, are you in?
Ph’tal: This isn’t a galactic matter, so I don’t really care.
Justice: You don’t care if the city you live in freezes to death?
Ph’tal: Nah, I’ll just wear a coat.
Justice: Whatever. Let’s go.
Stevie and Justice follow Justice’s tracer signal; Ph’tal follows them because he has nothing better to do. They end up in front of the mall’s Burlingtonburg Coat Factory
Justice: The Winter’s lair is in the back. He must be using the blizzards to boost sales.
Stevie: What’s our plan?
Justice: We run in, beat him up, and break his weather machine. Any questions?
Ph’tal: Why is your name Poetic Justice if you never say any poetry?
Justice: You are very wrong. I say poems all the time.
Poetic Justice silently counts on his fingers.
Justice: …Like I am right now.
Stevie: Okay, let’s go.
Stevie, Justice, and Ph’tal burst into the back room of the Coat Factory. They find a snow storm raging inside, and The Winter operating a huge, complicated machine in the center of the room.
Justice: You’ve winted your last wint, Winter!
Winter: Nuh-uh. Mikhail! Vladimir!
Two terrifying ice monsters charge at our heroes.
Stevie: Leave these to me. I’m strong against ice types.
Stevie punches one of the beasts. He manages to blow a large hole in its torso, but it’s quickly filled by a layer of densely-packed snow.
Stevie: Ah, shoot.
Stevie and Justice continue attacking the monsters, but the latter regenerate too quickly.
Winter: Just keep them stalled a bit longer, boys! A few more minutes and the storm will be permanent!
Stevie: Ph’tal, use your cosmic disruptor to shut his machine down!
Ph’tal: Nope, still don’t care.
Suddenly, a guy drives into the room on a scooter.
Guy: Delivery for, um, Poetic Justice?
Justice: That’s me.
As Stevie keeps fending the ice monsters off, the delivery guy gives Justice a crate and rides off.
Justice: It’s from my Super Secret Hanukkah Harry.
Stevie: *Whap* Oh, what’d you get?*Pow*
Justice pries the crate open.
Justice: Just what I wanted. A box of grenades!
Justice unpins a couple of grenades and sticks them into the ice monsters’ chests, then runs for cover. The beasts explode violently, spraying the Winter’s machine with icicles. The machine goes all sparky and stops functioning.
Winter: Ah, poop.
Justice brings the Winter out front and handcuffs him to a pole for mall security to find.
Stevie: See, Ph’tal, this is what the holidays are all about. Helping and sharing with each other for a common goal.
Ph’tal: Yeah, I understand. I still don’t care, though.
Stevie: Oh, whatever. Who wants to go sledding?
Justice Yay, sledding!


Leave a Reply