As I was trying to compose something for the third annual penis soliloquies I was at a loss.  I couldn’t think of anything as hard as I tried.  I pondered and I pondered.  Then I looked down and saw about eight to eight and a half inches of material staring me back in the face.  So I got to work.

I want to take you on a journey- follow me to a fairytale full of far-fetched phalluses, flying fantastically for eternity.  Friends, this is not fictional for I have been to this place.  The phalluses roamed free, their hair and their girls blowing in the breeze.  They had not a care in the world.  It was actually kind of like I was in Avatar, except all the Avatars were penises, and Sigourney Weaver wasn’t there. Because let’s face it: if she were, those would be the saddest dicks ever.  All droopy and stuff.  Anyway, for years, this community flourished until the evil lord Chafing and his accomplice Dr. Boners Without Warning tried to harvest all their foreskins to sell them as overcoats in the freezing wastelands of Coxsackie, New York (Not kidding, that’s the actual name of a town. I found it by Google-ing “towns that sound like penises”). Since this great a-cock-olypse, this civilization hid deep within the cleavages of the Mammary Mountains, and there it has stayed ever since.

It wasn’t easy being a penis.  They were confined in small spaces for long periods of time—suffocated, cold, and alone, especially during water polo practice.  I watched, as they shrank sullenly into themselves: a perfect symbol of the oppression of their naturally girthy spirits.   But just when it seemed like all hope was lost, word of this genital genocide (genitalcide?) got out to, like, Mila Kunis, or Scarlett Johansson, or that chick from the T-mobile commercials, whatever—and her army of equally hot girls.  Evil lord Chafing and his accomplice Dr. Boners Without Warning would have none of this, however, agreeing to meet Katy Perry’s boobs’ army on the battlefield. It was a total Lord of the Rings battle, but with hot naked chicks instead of orcs, and penises were fighting along with them against people who kind of looked like Borat in his bathing suit. But the eight foot tall penises had armor and shields and stuff. I don’t know, it was weird.  Regardless, it was a long and hard battle, and the penises took a great beating.  Some were beaten ruthlessly, for long periods, without stopping.  However, they thrusted through till the end in a thrilling climax of epic proportions.  Crowds were cheering, the sun came out from behind the clouds, that hot chick from Mad Men was there…

And then I woke up. What a mess.