The E! True Hollywood Story Behind Valentine’s Day

by Steven Green

Well, today is Valentine’s Day and you know what that means: another trip to the liquor store, or as I call it the “place where bad memories take a swim.” See folks, as you can tell I’m not very fond of St. Valentine’s special little day. Not because of any personal reasons; I’m just angry that nobody has ever told the true story of how it was established. What they normally tell you is that St. Valentine of Rome was martyred in 269 (hehe) AD and some Pope created the holiday in honor of him. What this delightful yarn conveniently leaves out, however, is that Valentine had the whole thing planned out from the beginning. Coming home from a long day of work at the bakery, Valentine entered his Roman abode hoping to kick off his sandals, sit down on his wooden couch, and wait for his friends Titus Magnus and Flavour Flavious to come play cards and get shit hammered. Unfortunately for Valentine, his wife Syphilis Tyrannis had other plans. Storming into the living room just as Valentine had settled down with a nice bowl of grapes, she began accosting him with her plans that they go to that new Chinese place that opened up three blocks away. When Valentine protested, saying that he had planned this with his friends for weeks, his wife got even angrier. “You always ruin my plans!” she shouted at the top of her lungs at the poor, overworked Valentine. He responded by reminding her that when her mother, who was a sinister bitch-devil who never shut her hell spawn jaw trap long enough to listen to me him wanted to live with them for a few days, he never protested. Despite the compelling argument, Syphilis would not back down. After bitching for another couple of hours at the loving and faithful Valentine, he began to suspect that unless her attitude changed for the better, the chances of her hopping on his Roman phalanx later that night were slim to none. Using his vast knowledge of women’s minds, he snuck out of the house and down to the store to buy her a present and maybe some skittles or milk duds for himself while he’s at it. Valentine canceled his plans with his friends, went to dinner and gave her the present, which she didn’t even like. Instead of sex, he got an earful of bitching and complaining that night. Ever since that day, Valentine was determined to help guys all over the world by establishing a holiday on which every woman is required to sleep with her partner after he buys her gifts and takes her to dinner. So he started a grassroots campaign that ended in the Holiday’s adoption. In theory it’s beautiful. But in practice, guys usually mess up one small thing and end up getting bitched at anyways. And that, my friends, is how Valentine’s Day was established. And by the way, that Chinese place was disgusting you evil, evil bitch.

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