by Walker Hawkins
Well, the Fall Semester of 2006 is coming to a close at the University of Pennsylvania and I’m sure I’m not the only one that is incredibly heartbroken. It sure has been a wild ride and I can’t wait for what’s in store for us next semester. With this said, I feel that it is only appropriate to look back on the past three and half months to relive the best and the worst moments of Fall Semester 2006. It hurts so much that it’s finally over, but I’d rather that it happened and that it’s over rather than it never happening at all. Here are my most memorable occurrences of Fall 2006:
1.NSO: I guess this only applies to a fourth of the student population, but I still think it was an incredibly important moment for all. For me, it was the first time I had ever seen or tasted an alcoholic beverage as well as a female breast. It was magnificent to say the least and I wish that it was still going on even now (I guess I could transfer into the college, where it’s NSO all the time!). With that said, this was by far the best week of my life, except for maybe the time my parents went on vacation and forgot to set up the V-chip on our TV so that HBO and Cinemax weren’t blocked, score! What a great way to start off the semester. NSO I mean.
2.Mid-terms: I remember it like it was yesterday, students freaking out because examinations were fast approaching and they thought that class readings were only optional. Oh, what another defining moment in my life; it must have been at least six or seven years since I legitimately shit myself, what a great feeling! Mid-terms really tell you a lot about a person – whether they can take stress well or if they’re like that kid in high school you always made fun of because he studied; what an idiot. Either way, mid-terms were another memorable moment of Fall 2006, I just can’t wait to try and kill myself again next time for them to happen again.
3.Amy Gutmann and the Halloween Scandal: So, if I’m being honest, all I remember is seeing Amy Gutman hugging a terrorist. I’m not actually sure what the story is, as that would require actually having to read the DP, which I totally would, except I don’t speak lame (ZING!). Anyways, so the reason I bring it up as a memorable moment in 2006 is because it’s a really good picture. No red-eye, perfectly level, excellent shading, that’s a picture baby. 2006 rocked!
4.Screwdriver Mugger: Wouldn’t it be really funny if instead of using an actual screwdriver, he mugged people using vodka and orange juice. LOL! j/k, j/k. That actually wouldn’t be funny, or even plausible. I bring it up because it caused such a scare among Penn students. I even remember making sure that the girls I was with on Friday and Saturday nights were wearing heels. All I’m saying is, if summer camp taught me anything, you can’t run in heels, meaning that as long as I could outrun my date, the Screwdriver Mugger wasn’t going to catch me. This moment was so memorable because it taught me that you’ve always got to be looking out for Number One.
5.Finals: “Wow, I’m so glad finals are finally here so I can finally go home,” I said to my date as I put Step 3 of Walker’s 5 Step Plan to Get A Girl To Like Me into action. Seriously though, if want to hear all five steps to Walker’s plan, just e-mail me and I’ll be sure to send them to you for $19.95 plus S&H (Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery). Wait, where was I? Oh that’s right, finals…um…very memorable indeed, just remember, it’s not the end of the world if you do poorly on your finals, you can always transfer to Cornell, I’m sure they’d love to have you.