The Red Scourge of the North

by Jonathan Klein

A Christmas Eve Poem from our very own Jotham Klein.


Every Christmas Eve, children look to the sky
They look for Santa Claus to come down from the heavens upon high
For Jolly Saint Nick is the bringer of Christmas cheer
Giving joy, happiness, and presents every single year

But the undertaking is not as nice as it sounds
This year, take notice while Santa makes his rounds
It is time for us to reveal the truth:
Santa Claus is the epitome of evil, all unholy and uncouth

What you call the elves, we call slave labor
Think about that as you sing carols to your neighbor
Those elves work in sweatshop conditions each and every day
Locked in Santa’s “workshop” making toys, slaving away

Santa’s reindeer-guided sleigh operates through animal cruelty
It is those eight enslaved reindeer, we should pity
Rudolph’s red nose is genetic experimentation
We should be disgusted by such wicked nasal ornamentation

Think of the values Father Christmas instills through children’s naivety
The red suit means communism! His overeating encourages obesity!
An old, balding man giving children presents and toys
Is behavior common to NAMBLA – pedophiles cherishing young boys

And why does Santa only give to rich kids, and not to the poor?
Apparently “Saint” Nicholas hasn’t heard of Robin Hood before
And what is with all the names, the identities multiplied?
Santa aka St Nick aka Kris Kringle must have some skeletons to hide

“He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”
It sounds like Santa’s spies are listening to every move we make
And how does Kris Kringle finance that whole North Pole operation?
Santa’s up to some naughty – not nice – embezzlement, fraud, and tax evasion

Now the scariest part of all is Santa’s army of clones
The malls are packed every winter by those red-and-white drones
Ready and waiting, they are, and so we must conclude
That when Santa decides to act, we’re all gonna be screwed

So this is our plea, please spread it far and near
Spread the word before Santa’s Special Forces make us “disappear”
We must act now, assemble our armies henceforth
Destroy and kill this vermin, this scourge of the North!

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