by Chris Van Orden

As a human (and I do assume you’re human), you must often ask yourself, “What will be keeping my eventual great, great, great grandchildren up at night?” That’s a perfectly natural question. I, per usual, have the answer. Here, in no particular order, is a sneak peek at the midnight concerns of your progeny in the year 2882. And yes, all years in the future will be palindromic.

-Growing number and hostility of anthropomorphic apes.

-Signs of son’s being glay.

-Inevitable extra pounds around the midsection thanks to dinner’s fatty Soylent Green steak.

-Whether or not remembered to turn on Securibot XK6700 before getting into bed.

-Migrant Plutonians coming in to harvest space crops – leave those jobs for Americanadixicans!

-Traffic for tomorrow’s teleport commute. Probably 2 and a goddamn half seconds.

-Brain parasites that take over body to eliminate mankind

-College tui-KILL ALL HUMANS. SPARE NO ONE.

-Increasing snugness of silver futurepants’ elastic waistband on space gut.

-Stupid Glorb Farrell from work stealing lunch from fridge every day – the caustic slime left on the Fritos bag gives you away, jerk.

-Global warming.

-Future with the company if Visiondeavor Enterprises merges with Ministry of Thought.