This is my magnum opus part 69
- Penn Band member X another Penn Band member
- College senior with negative rizz X Freshman anxious about gaining experience’
- You X that hot Williams barista that’s definitely flirting with you (They asked if you had a punch card?!)
- Someone from a comedy group focused on underrepresented gender identities in comedy X Someone from a comedy group focused on overrepresented gender identities in comedy (it’s just mathematics luv)
- Student athlete x another student athlete (Imagine dating a NARP! :\)
- Leftist college activist x Working at AWS (it’s Amazon web services, not Amazon, okay?)
Modern day love stories
- Holding an Orgo class for someone because you have a free spot
- Always sending your Snackpass bonuses to the same person
- The person in your class who nods and smiles at you as you stumble through contributing in your participation-compulsory seminar class.
- Texting someone the Poll everywhere code for your attendance-graded class
- Person B risking their Uber rating by calling you an Uber even though you’re belligerently drunk and carsick.
- Sitting through someone’s improv show (Sometimes a pre-professional culture is good actually).
Love stories (if you squint)
- “Smokes tn?”
- Shooting your shot by writing about the cute girl at VP on sidechat
- Shooting your shot by asking them if they want to check homework answers together (this is definitely going to work out trust)
- The one guy you match with on every dating app (you have never talked)
- Convincing yourself you don’t need to shoot your shot because you can just put their name in the last hurrah
- Conveniently hanging out around Williams at 12:00 because your crush gets out of class then
Let’s be honest about the inherent eroticism of…
- “How many sets you got left?”
“Cool, mind if I work in?”
- The teacher who wears a mask in class taking off their mask during office hours
- Whatever the fuck is going on with the lying leg curls machine
- “Hey sorry, I have this booth booked from 4-6, but I think there’s a free booth over there.”
- Making eye contact with the person flyering on Locust when they’ve written you off as unapproachable
- Being above the curve on Canvas
A spark ignites
- You’re a lit major and Person B is a biochem major so you should not overlap but somehow you keep taking the same Gen-eds…?
- Hey I don’t know you but what if we kissed to piss off the homophobic hate-preachers by Van Pelt…?
- You’re at a Wharton Business Entrepreneur empowerment event, when suddenly you see a weirdly muscular man get up, strike an anime pose, and leave…?
- You’re in rival acapella groups (Disney v. Keynotes, beef as old as time) but suddenly, in a late night secret riff-off (these happen right), a note turns into a song…?
- They seem cute in class so you stalk them on Linkedin and…internship at Meta, Amazon, and McKinsey, the whole package…
- You’re hanging out with your Septa shirt, when someone comes up to you.
“Excuse me, I just have to say, I love the shirt.”
“Thank you, I got it at 1234–”
“ –Market Station.”
How to keep up a relationship alive throughout college:
- Always invite a friend to hang out with you and your partner as a weird non-sexual partner. Not sure why it works, but seems to be popular!
- Do NOT think your relationship can survive one person doing a semester abroad
- Manage your work life balance by studying with them 24/7. That’s called going on dates right?
- Neg then by letting them know how quickly you would leave them for your sexy Physics Lab TA who is really stamp collecting
- Show them how much you care by occasionally buying $10 flowers at ACME. It’s just that easy fellas…
- Be terrified of the prospect that even though you’re settling, this may be the only person that will ever love you back. What you have now is good, haha…
Tag someone who:
- Failed the Date a POC! Challenge
- Succeeds a little too frequently at the Date a POC! Challenge
- Treats the club members list as a date list
- Somehow always gets the ick after the first date
- Takes all their dates to the same place (Bonus if it’s Board and Brew, Good Karma, or Teado)
- Keeps soft launching their mans with vague stories of hands in coffee shops
Behaviors that are Rizz level over 9000
- Contesting the SAC funding decisions to secure $5000 for the Astronomy club
- Making a flowchart for the Free Food GC
- “Let’s go study on the stationary bikes in the VP”
- Using up all your meal swipes at the end of the semester. This is how the little man can still win.
- “Guy in your French class with a snapback, with a roller bag at the Airport. Works every time.” – My dear friend Jenna Schulman, Class of ‘23, HSOC and Urban Studies Major with a minor in French
- Understand that Zotero is the superior citation manager
Behaviors that are Rizz level minus 9000
- Raising your hand up to ask a question in the last minute of class time
- Promoting your Chipotle fundraiser in the Free Food GC
- People that moan just a little too loudly when they’re lifting weights. Yes I am coming out as the gym police. I don’t care how much you lift, you could not get me to moan like that under waterboarding.
- Cheats at Quizzo.
- “A slow talker. Oh God. Hate a slow talker.” – Jenna Schulman, Class of ‘23, HSOC and Urban Studies Major with a minor in French
- Does all their citations by hand
It always goes back to that one bed…
- Set off the highrise sprinklers, water logging your dorm. Invite someone to your new Bachelor pad at the Inn!
- Oh no! The mice have laid siege upon your bed. Guess there’s no option but to get tucked in tightly to Person B’s bed…
- Oh no! You ordered a new mattress but someone stole if off your front porch (Can’t have shit in Philly). Guess there’s no option but to temporarily stay in Person B’s bed while a new mattress arrives…
- You’re doing an overnight club retreat, but the treasurer only booked 2 beds for all 20 of you. Guess you’re all going to have to squeeze into two queen-sized beds…
- After 2 months, you finally did your laundry (sheets included). But, the mountain of laundry destroyed all your ambition to fold everything. Much easier to just sleep in Person B’s bed…
- Sometimes, it’s time to take fate into your own hands. Break into your crush’s dorm and steal their mattress yourself!
Relationships that reach perfect thermodynamic equilibrium
- You’re liberal. They’re conservative. You meet at the GPA, hook up, and congratulate each other on bipartisanship
- FFP protestor X Incoming Consultant at BCG
- Person A who sends tiktoks (food gatherer) and Person B who reacts to tiktoks (food enjoyer)
- Any opinion ever X DP opinion section
- Excitement about Philly sports X Crushing disappointment in the Championships
- Person A who has a tiny fluffy dog and Jenna Schulman, Class of ‘23, HSOC and Urban Studies Major and French Minor
This definitely shouldn’t be attached to my name
- Fantasy foursome: You, Liz, Amy, Judith Rodin. Talk about a MILF manor…
- Using the Tabletop roleplaying member list as your personal BDSM proposition list
- Petition for student representation in the Board of Trustee Orgy…