So I’m sitting here, squashed in the middle seat between two rotund and unpleasantly odorous Albanian women on my left, and a six-foot-five obese German on my right, thirty-three thousand feet above the Atlantic, stuck in an aluminum tube packed with three hundred and thirty-two of the lowest common dominators of humanity, contemplating suicide. This is the epitome of what I’ve been ranting about since the day I first step foot on a Boeing 747 – Airlines. Suck.

           The airlines suck nowadays, but they used to be so good. Back in my parents’ day, when you got on a plane, it was a big fucking deal. Men wore suits, women wore dresses, and children wore muzzles when they flew. Pilots were celebrities. The flight attendants were bangin’. (Haven’t you seen Catch Me If You Can?) If someone was snoring in his seat, it was perfectly acceptable to punch him in the mouth, and he understood that he deserved it.

           Now, airlines have changed, and I don’t mean in a good way. Today, the pilots are drunks, the flight attendants are gay, and women are allowed to sit in the front of the plane. Joining the Mile High Club isn’t as simple as slapping the stewardess’s ass any more; in fact, behavior like this is highly frowned upon. In my humble opinion, fornicating in airplanes should be encouraged like fornicating at Penn: free condoms, easy-to-access health services, and enough booze to make that fatty next to you look hotter than Heidi Klum.

           Furthermore, the experience just isn’t the same. I’d be punching crying babies faster than the guy across the aisle is slamming Bacardi’s if it weren’t for air rage legislation. Flying these days is just as bad as unprotected sex with a 60th Street $20 hooker while sharing heroin needles during a full-fledged gang gunfight – best is, you come off with some horrible flesh-eating disease, worst is, you don’t come out alive. And that’s if you’re brave enough to get on the plane in the first place. I’m more afraid of flying terrorists than Steve Irwin’s kids are of stingrays.

           So, let’s face it, air travel is past its prime. Its time we look to new methods of transportation. Our options include ships, blimps, and my personal favorite, rockets. Anyone wanna hop onboard an orbital flight with me and join the Spacefuck Club?