by Alex King
College students desire many things: alcohol, hoagies, blow, sex… the list goes on. But all of these things can be bought. Sleep, on the other hand, is the most precious of commodities and cannot be bought or sold, no matter how hard I try. Thus, where to take the ever important nap is, I believe, a matter of Critical Importance for any young scholar.
Rosengarten
Decent
This is the layman’s napping area. Only the most novice nappers sleep here and suffer the sidelong glares of their peers. While comfort here is high- the couches are far more conducive to sleeping than studying- privacy is at a low. Not only are you surrounded by people within, but if you sleep by the window, passers-by can also join in and make jokes about how hard UPenn students work. Jerks.
Van Pelt’s Top Floor Study Lounge
Better
It’s like for grad students or something. I’m not sure, but taking a long, relaxing and loudly snoring nap is the most rewarding experience when one desk over someone is trying to pour through old-English wedding ballads for their thesis.
The Student Government Offices
Good
Located in the bowels of Houston Hall are a series of offices replete with comfy leather chairs, dim lighting, and utter silence. These are unknown to almost ever student of our University because they are the offices used by our Student Government, which only one in ten students knows exists. Entry is theoretically high- you must be on one of the elected (or lamer, unelected) branches to get in, but competition is slim and well worth the effort. They’re a little cold, but otherwise are the perfect place for a quick nap between classes or parties.
Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS)
Poor
Jeez, you sneak into some doctor’s office to catch a quick nap and they almost call security on you. Now I am stressed, asshole.
Provost Tower
Above Average
Possessing endless Harry-Potteresque charm, this hidden gem of Riepe house is a great place for a nap. While a bit inconvenient to access, the dim lighting is excellent, and it is frequented only by the nerdlinger-est of students. The chairs are a bit stiff, however.
In the Lecture of a Sonorously Voiced Professor
Perfect
I believe the platonic ideal of napping is within the lecture of a professor with a particularly voiced professor. If the chairs are comfy, the melodious droning on of the professor (hopefully droning on about Nazis, Hobbes, or Calculus) can lull even the most restless mind into glorious nap-hood. Provided you don’t actively snore or drool embarrassingly, you’ll even earn grudging respect from your peers for your chutzpah- which will be made all the more sweet if you aren’t even enrolled in the class. Many, many, many professors at our university are ideal for this purpose.