by Walker Hawkins

                So, classes have begun, which means that you’re probably suffering from a medical condition that doctors commonly refer to as “Shittin’ Yo Pants”. Once again, you have to convince professors that you’re actually interested in whatever they’re saying without actually becoming interested in whatever they’re saying. It’s a very fine line and without the proper help, you could be well on your way to failing that course, or even worse, becoming an informed citizen capable of making rational decisions. With that said, Punch Bowl is here with a few suggestions to help you do well in your classes without actually having to do any real work, something that Thomas Jefferson once referred to as The American Dream.

Make Out With Your TA:
America was founded on the principle of fair trade, meaning that supply and demand determine the market value of a good or service. Well, you’re taking classes in America, which means that this theory still holds true. You want an “A” and, sure enough, you’re TA just wants a little lovin’. However, you have to remember that you can’t just offer yourself immediately. First, you have to show up to his or her ridiculous, and frankly worthless, office hours with stupid questions. Then, you have to make special appointments to address the same inane questions and finally you have to make your move. Just remember, you’re only doing this for the grade and once you achieve this goal, you have to make it clear to your TA that this relationship just can’t continue. Next time he or she tries to make a move, you have to firmly reject it and say “gross!” TAs are slower than you think and it might take a few times before they understand you are soulless.

Pretend To Be Interested In Your Professor’s “Research”:
Someone famous once said, “Give the people what they want”. Now you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t apply at all, but it makes more sense when you realize that the second part of this phrase is “The people just want you to act like you care.” Remember, the professor-student relationship is based solely on appearances and you pretending like you care is simply a necessity. So, when you’re sitting there and listening to something you can’t even begin to possibly understand, just nod your head and every now and then interject with a “How interesting!”, “Cool!” or “Slammin!” Eventually, you’re professor will just give you an “A” so that you don’t bother him or her anymore.

Cheat*

Go To Harvard:
It might be the hardest of the suggestions to accomplish, but it’s the most surefire way to do well in college. A hot make-out sesh with your TA may sound like the way to go, but let me assure you, nothing is hotter than grade inflation. It may take a little bit more work than you like, but admittance into this fine institution is the perfect way to guarantee yourself 4 years of good grades and an immense amount of masturbation. Plus, unlike making out, going to Harvard has a much lower risk of giving you Herpes.

* If you had to read this article in order to know cheating was a way to get ahead, then you’re not fit to cheat and Punch Bowl, along with its editors, highly recommends that you cheat like you’ve never cheated before! … because you haven’t.