by Arielle Wolfson
Brought to you by guest columnist Arielle Wolfson!
Penn is a diverse place. Well, sort of. While drunken frat parties and Hillel are excellent places to experience the uniqueness that is the Penn student body, there is one place that trumps them all.That is the classroom. Yes, I do go to class sometimes and when I do, it is more fun to observe my fellow Quakers than to listen to my professor talk about how humans and monkeys are related– a fact that is already evidenced by the fully bearded Phd Student next to me playing Tetris on his phone. This is what I have observed. While you may not be in my class, rest assured, you probably fit into one of these categories.
Pseudo Intellectuals– These kids think they are smart enough to solve the world hunger problem but if you look past the large glasses and strategic front row seating, they really are only as smart as the average state school kid. Every time the teacher asks a question they erupt with the answer like mount Vesuvius. Yet, I still cant help but picture their wrong answers being painfully buried in molten magma, like the ancient city of Pompeii. Their responses are also just about as accurate as Dick Cheney’s aim when quail hunting.
Athletes in the Back– If you ever wonder which sport they practice, check the grey sweat suit with their respective sports team written on it. They are usually sleeping in the back, breathing loudly like Darth Vader with asthma during heavy foreplay. When they are called on to speak, they can barely put two words together without stopping for directions.
Sorority Girls– They travel together, sit together and there are always a lot of them. When the time comes for an exam, they collaborate to make a study guide that is longer than the line for the women’s bathroom during the intermission of a Broadway play. This study guide always ends up getting forwarded to the whole class. Thanks!
Timid Asian– Just sit next to this one on Mid-Term morning.
Pretentious Whartonite– I guess pretentious in front of whartonite is superfluous, but we all know the type. Dude, stop wearing suits to class, especially when it is Israeli Literature and Film. Every time someone who is not in Wharton makes a comment, they condescendingly fold their arms together, curiously resembling the model on a bottle of Mr. Clean.
Actually really smart cool kids-They do exist, usually seated in the middle section of class, just being really smart and cool.
End-of-class-question-askers – So class is about over and the professor asks if anyone has anymore questions. There is always that one kid who raises his hand only to receive an evil glare from most of the class who all want to gouge this kid’s eyes out with a soupspoon. This kid, who usually looks more Jewish than your average diamond dealer on 47th street, regularly delays my trip to Wawa. Jerk.