by Shai Nir
Shai Nir has some special insight into how to judge people based on their political beliefs, especially if you’re into Ron Paul:
The political arena may seem like a wild, confusing, at times dangerous place on par with the first grade or ‘Nam. And like those two, the only way to survive is to join a faction of like-minded confused people focused on a single goal. In the months or years1 that you’ve taken to decide which political party you would like to be aligned with, a much simpler way had been invented to find out: The political litmus test.
First, obtain a strip of political litmus paper from your local pharmacy. Hold one end of the strip under your tongue and place the other end under a running stream of tap water. It is vitally important that you have a friend present in the room so that they can laugh at you. The color the paper turns indicates which party your political views most agree with:
White: The Rochestafarian Party. The Rochestafarians are a small sect of yuppies who believe drinking Scotch is a profound religious experience. Furthermore, they tend to suspect any urban minorities of being servants of Satan.2 Unfortunately for you, most people believe Rochestafarianism is just a thinly-veiled attempt to get Scotch legalized.3
Green: The Green Party.
Purple: The “Green” Party.
Turquoise: The Evolution Party. You firmly believe in evolution and reject all the “creation science” drivel. Thus, you are also pro-life, pro-war, pro-death penalty, and anti gun control: your goal is for each woman to have at least five children, one of whom will die from violent crime, one in war, and a third executed for killing the first one. Through this trial-and-error, only the strong will survive. You prick.
Beige: You’re a waffler. Pick a team already!
Cyan: The Frat Party. Not what it sounds; the Frat Party is actually the one supporting the Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn presidential ticket. It is the spiritual successor of the Brat Party, which in turn succeeded the Rat Party4. As the sole concession to the name, new financial consultants are ritually hazed.
Pink: The Communist Party Sympathizers Party.
Yellow: If your paper turns yellow, you may have rabies. Consult a physician.
Infrared: The Ultraconservative Party. To prepare for the political season, call your most senile grandparent on the phone and try inviting them to visit for a few hours. They may or may not eventually show up, but those few hours on the phone will be enlightening5. Whenever they express an opinion – on President Johnson, what Negroes should be wearing, or that we should stone sodomites again – write it down. This is what you now believe.
Brown: The Zoophile Party. This party is surprisingly popular, boasting a member count of over zero6.
1 Circle one.
2 Bow before your sketchy overlord!
3 So far, so good.
4 President Sinatra should be on the dime.
5 “I SAID ‘WHEN’S A GOOD TIME?’!” “Stop yelling, I already have a cat!”
6 You are that member.