by Alexander Jacobson
Want to know your Semetic Horoscope on this second night of Hanukkah? Just follow these three easy steps:
1. Try to pronounce “Chanukah”
2. Try to pronounce “Hanukkah”
3. Get the results:
If you pronounced either:
CHCKCKCHHHanukah (too much throat)
Your future suggests you are a Germanic Anti-semetic. They won’t let you get away with anything. I know how you feel. One little comment about Palestine enslaving Israel and they’re picketing your house with all eighty of their second-cousins to sue you… not because they care, just because every one of their cousins is a lawyer who offers a 6% family discount. Beware of insensitive commentary.
“Chah-NEW-kah”
You tried, I can appreciate that. Because you go to Penn, your future brings many encounters with Jews. Be cautious, but friendly and you’ll come out ok. You’d be wise to refrain from mentioning anything you’ve heard about YUMM- Kipper, Shabat Shalom or Latkees.
Huh? New? What?
You looked at Hanukkah and thought, “Heyyyy English words NEVER have two K’s.” I praise your critical thinking skills and suggest that you use them over these next few days. A lot. On yourself. Other than that, your future checks out.
Hey! Nuka
Your fortune doesn’t look good kid. Seriously, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING. Nuka isn’t even a real name. I’ll be so fortuitous as to give you your past, present and future. You have never actually heard any one so much as mouth Hanukkah, but you saw it written and took the plunge. I commend your willingness to try new things, but you’re still an imbecile. I don’t know how you’ve miraculously made it through so much as eight minutes at Penn without running into a single Jew, but I’m guessing you spend your Sundays in Church and the rest of your time smuggling yourself from Christian support groups to your Gospel occapela performances. You will think Jews have horns until you finally meet one while interviewing for Goldman Sachs. Your attempt to personally connect will fail when you ask “I didn’t know New Yorkers wore six-pointed crosses.” Don’t try to pull a “I-know-my-fate-and therefore-can-resist-it” either. It’ll happen when you interview for Earnst & Young too.
Hanukkah & Chanukah
You realized they are the same word. Congratulations! You’re such a great Jew. Your near future brings great joy and gifts, but on the morn of the 25th of December a jealous sorrow could consume you, beware. Now go light some candles! WHOO HOO!